Douglas E. Berry

http://www.wnd.com/index.php?fa=PAGE.view&pageId=273409

Seriously. Insane. Over the Rainbow. A few Goose-steps short of a march. She has long since passed being amusing and entered scary.

I read trivia books (like the Bathroom Reader series) obsessively and haunt weird news and factoid websites. Sometimes, what I read and what I think up on my own get a bit muddled in my head.

That's evidently what happened last night. I mentioned to Kirsten that I had read an alternate theory on the movie Labyrinth on cracked.com. Searching that site this morning, and a wider net search after that, show that I'm the one on crack. Guess I came up with this myself, and misfiled it in my brain. Oh well. But let me share with you my little theory that turns Labyrinth from a fun fantasy romp with Muppets and David Bowie in very tight pants into a horror film. (Spoilers ahead!)

( I wish the cut tag would come and take you away. Right now. )

I am a twisted bastard. Unless of course I actually did read this somewhere else and filtered it.

First of all, I'm awake at 0315 because I went to take a nap yesterday at around 1500 and fell dead asleep. Oops.

But anyway. Yesterday, Kirsten and I were snarking about Furcon. You saw my "five million hairs" post, yes? We do this every year. I tweeted the following:

"I am not allowed to go to Furcon naked. Nor in a thong. But a full scuba suit is acceptable. I can work with this."

Amusement was had. Suggestions were made. Time marches on.

Sit down to check my mail this morning, and what do I see?

"Scuba Diving Store is now following you on Twitter!"

Let's be clear. I've never gone scuba diving in my life. I suffer from Thalassophobia, I absolutely freak out at the thought of getting into water where I can't see the bottom. Even if I could afford the gear and training, I suffer from severe asthma.. not something you want to have hit you while 20m beneath the surface!

But because I tweeted the words "scuba suit" their bot found me.

Makes me wonder who else I can dragnet for with key words.

We were just discussing my health here.

Me: "Even if they do fire me, I can apply for Federal SSI, since I lost my job due to health issues."

Kiri: "True."

Me: "And apply for food stamps, and beer stamps.. they do make beer stamps, right? Right?"

Kiri: laughs in a Joan Crawford to Bette Davis manner.


So.. no beer stamps?

I have posted in the past about my encounters with animals while driving the highways and byways. Who can forget the Lesbian Sheep of Gilroy? (By Halford's Scream, that was five years ago?) The Literary Chickens of Redwood Estates? The Gate-Crashing Cows? The World's Slowest and Dumbest ex-Pigeon? And never turn your back on The Chickens of French Camp!

I seem to collect encounters with odd animals. Today was a double shot.

Main-gauche Electric doubles as an animal sanctuary. Seriously, they've devoted a corner of their yard to a place for semi-feral cats to live (the do catch and spay/neuter them, along with trying to socialize them to becone house cats), a couple of dogs, and two monkeys. Spider monkeys, to be precise. Cute, fast, and well-trained to the office. Well trained to a point. . . I was chatting with one of the owners as she signed for the one box I was delivering, when a brown flash raced into the room, lept from the couch to my shoulder, and, grabbing my hat in the process, used me the way Daredevil uses old brownstones. I swear the thing was giggling as it sped off. "Monkey burgers. Monkey stew. Roast monkey. What wine goes with monkey?" I muttered as my customer laughed herself silly. This particular furry thief had recently grown fixated on hats, I was told, and the owner had honestly forgotten to warn me. My Giants cap was rescued, and the words "at least he didn't pee on this one" left me imagining deep-fried monkey on a stick.

Proving that I can't win, my next stop was the home of my time-share dogs. Lacey is getting big, but still has that puppy playfulness to her. Lots of bouncing and demands for ear-skritches. I was seated on a low pile of pallets giving Cally the love she deserves (we've known each other for years, after all) when Lacey decides that she wants attention now. She jumps over Cally, hitting me directly in the chest, sending me sprawling backwards. Lacey ended up on my chest. You could she the hamster wheels go into overdrive. "Why, I'm on top of the Occasional Sucker!" Lacey thought, "This means I can LICK HIS ENTIRE HEAD!!!!!!" Which she did. Enthusiastically. She licked hard enough to active my Bluetooth headset. Cally just sat there with a look that said "I have to deal with this all freaking day. Have fun, I'm off to take a nap." But Lacey wasn't done with me. I had taken off my work gloves to sign paperwork and pet dogs. Lacey picked up one of my gloves and took it into the doghouse/table in the warehouse work area. I'm down to one pair, and I doubt diesel and machine oil are good for growing puppies, so I had to crawl in after her to get my glove back. She had dropped the glove in an empty food dish.

I'm taking that as a warning.

In other news, I'm back to gasping for breath and using the inhaler regularly. I have the appointment with the lung specialist tomorrow, and have left my doctor a note. I'm a sick of this crap.

Which we did, back at Fort Benning. Don't ask.

Almost as good a Kikoman. Better, even. This has a penguin.

Think Blue! C'mon Los Angeles!

No, I haven't finally succumbed to madness. A week without Kirsten has not fried my synapses. And I'm not posting from Bizzaro World.

This afternoon the Giants beat the Arizona Diamondbacks 2-0 in a fantastic pitcher's duel that lasted into the 11th inning. It featured a goat-to-hero transition in outfielder Nate Schierholtz who, after getting picked off first in the seventh inning ending a potential rally, smacked a two-run stand-up triple to win the game for the G-men. This puts us one-half game behind the reeling San Diego Padres, who have lost an astonishing ten straight games.

Guess who the Padres are playing right now?

To quote Winston Churchill: "If Hitler invaded Hell, I would make at least a favourable reference to the devil in the House of Commons."

So, as weird it seems, and for the next three games only...

GO L.A.!
GO L.A.!
GO L.A.!


I feel unclean...