I quit.

[gridlore]

I've had enough. I'm just too tired to give a damn about anything anymore.

I'm tired of being sick, of doctors, or being told over and over and over that I've got some new problems that means that I'm going to have to suffer through some new treatment. Can't they ever see that I've had enough?

I'm tired of being broke, and not able to work. I had the greatest job ever as a SuperShuttle driver, and cancer fucking stole it from me!I want my life back! I want to get a past due run at 0715 and make it work. I want to drive up the causeway as the sun is coming up, and want to meet people from all over the globe. Driving was the only thing I was ever really good at, and now it's gone. Goddamnit, I wasn't good, I was great.

Every dream I've ever had is ashes now. I can't write on my meds, I can't do the things I dreamed of doing, and all I do now is suck everyone around me into my hole. I'm sorry for hurting everyone. I'm sorry I brought you down to my level.

People tell me I should get counseling. Is a therapist going to get me a new immune system? Repair my memory? Stop my epilepsy? The funny thing is, everybody told me to accept what HD had done to me. Once I did that, now everyone is telling me to get into therapy to get over those limitations! Make up your fucking minds! Somebody tell me what to do, because I'm sick of leading!

I'm terrified of ending up alone. I can't do that.

Christ, I'm really beginning to believe that all I am capable of is screwing up people's lives. Doug the World-class Screw-up. All I'm good for is doing dishes and laundry.

Don't worry, this isn't a suicide note. I'm too much a coward to do more than think about it. Besides, I've probably forgotten how to find the knife drawer.

I just want to quit.

Comments

[nolly.livejournal.com]

*offers hugs or other supportive actions of your choice, since I seem to recall you being a no-hugs person*

[valkyrwench.livejournal.com]

Hmph. You've been in my head again, I see. The reason I've not been posting to my journal, or even commenting, for that matter, is that I've been feeling the same way. *hug*

You're not alone. You're never alone.

[eleri.livejournal.com]

I love you. I'll call you after the Kirby vultures try to sell me a vaccumm.

[firecat]

I wish I didn't know how you felt. Sympathy.

[autographedcat.livejournal.com]

You and I have never actually met. I know you only by reputation, and your writings here and on Usenet.

But if you ever need, I'm here for you, in as much capacity as I can be.

You may often be overwhelmed. You may often be frightened. You may often be bone-weary and ragged and ready to just lay everything down and sit by the roadside, unable to take another step.

But you are never alone. You have friends who love you, and nothing--not cancer, not depression, not anything--can take that away from you.

Love,
-R

[soldiergrrrl.livejournal.com]

Oh hon...

I can't even begin to say that I know how you feel, and I won't cheapen what you've said by saying that I do. All I can do is tell you that you are loved, and you make a difference in peoples' lives.

[firecat]

gridlore, if I gave the impression of cheapening what you said by replying that I knew how you felt, I apologize for my poor wording.

[soldiergrrrl.livejournal.com]

OH gods no. Just I've never been that far down, hon. I've been a few floors up in that elevator, that's all.

I never wanted to give you that impression. It's kind of like when a good friend of mine talks about how much she hates having to use a wheelchair. I can't know how she's feeling, but I ....oh hell....
If you'll excuse me, I'm going to go put bbq sauce on the foot that's firmly in my mouth.

Will you take a very red-faced apology?

[fimbrethil.livejournal.com]

Every dream I've ever had is ashes now.

I know what this is like. I'm still going through it. It sucks, no doubt. When Liam died, my whole world came crashing down around me and all the things I was looking forward to turned to dust. I know what it's like to have your life come to a screeching halt. And it is okay to have a pity party once in a while but you cannot let it rule your life. All your dreams turned to ashes? I'm sorry, I really am. Now, get up and make new ones. You imply there is nothing positive in your life. Bull shit. You just aren't looking hard enough. Yes, I know things aren't the greatest now but that doesn't mean they will stay that way. You do have the power to change things. It's a day by day struggle but you can turn things around. Don't give up. Hang in there and prove that you aren't down for the count. Hugs.

[johno.livejournal.com]

FUCK the HD,
FUCK the seizures,
FUCK the eye crap.

What the hell is with this defeatist crap?????

You're a GOD DAMNED FIGHTER and a good one.

Get your sorry ASS off the couch and do something, ANYTHING but lay around and mope.


{{Hey, if the comfort doesn't work, maybe pushing the old Ranger buttons will. }}}

[shadopanther.livejournal.com]

People tell me I should get counseling. Is a therapist going to get me a new immune system? Repair my memory? Stop my epilepsy?

Naw, course not. IME, the purpose of therapy is to help one cope and to guide one on a path to finding techniques that DO help one cope with what exists in the present. (Even if it's something like getting a notepad and sticky notes & writing yourself reminders as memory aides.) IME, a good therapist (one that is a good fit for you) is the one that throws you the rope -- you still are the one to grab hold and use the rope to climb out of the hole... to whatever landscape awaits you. Something my sister once told me: "Therapy is one of the best gifts you can give yourself."

Driving was the only thing I was ever really good at, and now it's gone.

Were you not an excellent marksman as well? One of the things you liked about driving was meeting people from all over the world. Is there another job (perhaps at the airport itself) where you can get that benefit? You mentioned interviewing for Dispatch a while back -- where is that now? Also, is police dispatch the only option? Or would a private dispatch of some sort be a good stepping stone?

The hurdle before you now, imho, is to change your focus to what you CAN do, to note (write down even DAILY) 1-3 good things in your life, things you are grateful for, things you are proud of (no matter HOW small).

Take 1 day at a time, 1 step at a time, to be able to view new dreams may take form.

Good luck. Hugs if you want 'em.

-- Shadopanther

[zyxwvut.livejournal.com]

I don't know what else to say, but...

I am sad to see you hurting -- and I hope that telling the rest of us about it
helped you feel a little bit better.

Hang in there,
Z

P.S.: Um, Baseball season's starting soon? (Okay, that was weak, but I'm
tryin', here...)

[dandelion-diva.livejournal.com]

I reallyreally wish I could do something to make this better for you.

Sending many Good Thoughts and Vibes to you.

Gessi