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gridloreI've had enough. I'm just too tired to give a damn about anything anymore.
I'm tired of being sick, of doctors, or being told over and over and over that I've got some new problems that means that I'm going to have to suffer through some new treatment. Can't they ever see that I've had enough?
I'm tired of being broke, and not able to work. I had the greatest job ever as a SuperShuttle driver, and cancer fucking stole it from me!I want my life back! I want to get a past due run at 0715 and make it work. I want to drive up the causeway as the sun is coming up, and want to meet people from all over the globe. Driving was the only thing I was ever really good at, and now it's gone. Goddamnit, I wasn't good, I was great.
Every dream I've ever had is ashes now. I can't write on my meds, I can't do the things I dreamed of doing, and all I do now is suck everyone around me into my hole. I'm sorry for hurting everyone. I'm sorry I brought you down to my level.
People tell me I should get counseling. Is a therapist going to get me a new immune system? Repair my memory? Stop my epilepsy? The funny thing is, everybody told me to accept what HD had done to me. Once I did that, now everyone is telling me to get into therapy to get over those limitations! Make up your fucking minds! Somebody tell me what to do, because I'm sick of leading!
I'm terrified of ending up alone. I can't do that.
Christ, I'm really beginning to believe that all I am capable of is screwing up people's lives. Doug the World-class Screw-up. All I'm good for is doing dishes and laundry.
Don't worry, this isn't a suicide note. I'm too much a coward to do more than think about it. Besides, I've probably forgotten how to find the knife drawer.
I just want to quit.
I'm tired of being sick, of doctors, or being told over and over and over that I've got some new problems that means that I'm going to have to suffer through some new treatment. Can't they ever see that I've had enough?
I'm tired of being broke, and not able to work. I had the greatest job ever as a SuperShuttle driver, and cancer fucking stole it from me!I want my life back! I want to get a past due run at 0715 and make it work. I want to drive up the causeway as the sun is coming up, and want to meet people from all over the globe. Driving was the only thing I was ever really good at, and now it's gone. Goddamnit, I wasn't good, I was great.
Every dream I've ever had is ashes now. I can't write on my meds, I can't do the things I dreamed of doing, and all I do now is suck everyone around me into my hole. I'm sorry for hurting everyone. I'm sorry I brought you down to my level.
People tell me I should get counseling. Is a therapist going to get me a new immune system? Repair my memory? Stop my epilepsy? The funny thing is, everybody told me to accept what HD had done to me. Once I did that, now everyone is telling me to get into therapy to get over those limitations! Make up your fucking minds! Somebody tell me what to do, because I'm sick of leading!
I'm terrified of ending up alone. I can't do that.
Christ, I'm really beginning to believe that all I am capable of is screwing up people's lives. Doug the World-class Screw-up. All I'm good for is doing dishes and laundry.
Don't worry, this isn't a suicide note. I'm too much a coward to do more than think about it. Besides, I've probably forgotten how to find the knife drawer.
I just want to quit.
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no subject
Date: 11 Mar 2003 17:07 (UTC)Naw, course not. IME, the purpose of therapy is to help one cope and to guide one on a path to finding techniques that DO help one cope with what exists in the present. (Even if it's something like getting a notepad and sticky notes & writing yourself reminders as memory aides.) IME, a good therapist (one that is a good fit for you) is the one that throws you the rope -- you still are the one to grab hold and use the rope to climb out of the hole... to whatever landscape awaits you. Something my sister once told me: "Therapy is one of the best gifts you can give yourself."
Driving was the only thing I was ever really good at, and now it's gone.
Were you not an excellent marksman as well? One of the things you liked about driving was meeting people from all over the world. Is there another job (perhaps at the airport itself) where you can get that benefit? You mentioned interviewing for Dispatch a while back -- where is that now? Also, is police dispatch the only option? Or would a private dispatch of some sort be a good stepping stone?
The hurdle before you now, imho, is to change your focus to what you CAN do, to note (write down even DAILY) 1-3 good things in your life, things you are grateful for, things you are proud of (no matter HOW small).
Take 1 day at a time, 1 step at a time, to be able to view new dreams may take form.
Good luck. Hugs if you want 'em.
-- Shadopanther