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gridloreI've had enough. I'm just too tired to give a damn about anything anymore.
I'm tired of being sick, of doctors, or being told over and over and over that I've got some new problems that means that I'm going to have to suffer through some new treatment. Can't they ever see that I've had enough?
I'm tired of being broke, and not able to work. I had the greatest job ever as a SuperShuttle driver, and cancer fucking stole it from me!I want my life back! I want to get a past due run at 0715 and make it work. I want to drive up the causeway as the sun is coming up, and want to meet people from all over the globe. Driving was the only thing I was ever really good at, and now it's gone. Goddamnit, I wasn't good, I was great.
Every dream I've ever had is ashes now. I can't write on my meds, I can't do the things I dreamed of doing, and all I do now is suck everyone around me into my hole. I'm sorry for hurting everyone. I'm sorry I brought you down to my level.
People tell me I should get counseling. Is a therapist going to get me a new immune system? Repair my memory? Stop my epilepsy? The funny thing is, everybody told me to accept what HD had done to me. Once I did that, now everyone is telling me to get into therapy to get over those limitations! Make up your fucking minds! Somebody tell me what to do, because I'm sick of leading!
I'm terrified of ending up alone. I can't do that.
Christ, I'm really beginning to believe that all I am capable of is screwing up people's lives. Doug the World-class Screw-up. All I'm good for is doing dishes and laundry.
Don't worry, this isn't a suicide note. I'm too much a coward to do more than think about it. Besides, I've probably forgotten how to find the knife drawer.
I just want to quit.
I'm tired of being sick, of doctors, or being told over and over and over that I've got some new problems that means that I'm going to have to suffer through some new treatment. Can't they ever see that I've had enough?
I'm tired of being broke, and not able to work. I had the greatest job ever as a SuperShuttle driver, and cancer fucking stole it from me!I want my life back! I want to get a past due run at 0715 and make it work. I want to drive up the causeway as the sun is coming up, and want to meet people from all over the globe. Driving was the only thing I was ever really good at, and now it's gone. Goddamnit, I wasn't good, I was great.
Every dream I've ever had is ashes now. I can't write on my meds, I can't do the things I dreamed of doing, and all I do now is suck everyone around me into my hole. I'm sorry for hurting everyone. I'm sorry I brought you down to my level.
People tell me I should get counseling. Is a therapist going to get me a new immune system? Repair my memory? Stop my epilepsy? The funny thing is, everybody told me to accept what HD had done to me. Once I did that, now everyone is telling me to get into therapy to get over those limitations! Make up your fucking minds! Somebody tell me what to do, because I'm sick of leading!
I'm terrified of ending up alone. I can't do that.
Christ, I'm really beginning to believe that all I am capable of is screwing up people's lives. Doug the World-class Screw-up. All I'm good for is doing dishes and laundry.
Don't worry, this isn't a suicide note. I'm too much a coward to do more than think about it. Besides, I've probably forgotten how to find the knife drawer.
I just want to quit.
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no subject
Date: 11 Mar 2003 14:43 (UTC)I know what this is like. I'm still going through it. It sucks, no doubt. When Liam died, my whole world came crashing down around me and all the things I was looking forward to turned to dust. I know what it's like to have your life come to a screeching halt. And it is okay to have a pity party once in a while but you cannot let it rule your life. All your dreams turned to ashes? I'm sorry, I really am. Now, get up and make new ones. You imply there is nothing positive in your life. Bull shit. You just aren't looking hard enough. Yes, I know things aren't the greatest now but that doesn't mean they will stay that way. You do have the power to change things. It's a day by day struggle but you can turn things around. Don't give up. Hang in there and prove that you aren't down for the count. Hugs.