How's this for an opening?
Sep. 20th, 2009 06:28 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
"This close to the Melt common caution gave way to paranoia. The prospector bus crept forward, pausing every meter to lash the ground with sensors, looking for weakness and hot spots. Other sensors monitored the atmosphere looking for disturbances that might indicate potential disaster for the crew. Over and over, the bulky bus repeated the maneuver, inching forward on its six wide tracks, pausing, then lurching into motion again. Had there been any living being on the surface of Surtur, they might have thought that the thing on the valley floor was dying."
no subject
Date: 21 Sep 2009 03:16 (UTC)no subject
Date: 21 Sep 2009 03:31 (UTC)no subject
Date: 21 Sep 2009 04:08 (UTC)no subject
Date: 21 Sep 2009 04:48 (UTC)You've broken a genre habit with "bus" - I think you could do well to break some more and use other synonyms for sensors and the second occurrence of "bus", to pack all the more information in while you are setting the scene.
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Date: 21 Sep 2009 10:42 (UTC)Also, maybe change "the crew" to "its crew". "Bulky bus" could become simply "it" as the subject of the paragraph.
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Date: 21 Sep 2009 13:56 (UTC)no subject
Date: 21 Sep 2009 20:26 (UTC)no subject
Date: 21 Sep 2009 16:52 (UTC)Now write moar!
no subject
Date: 21 Sep 2009 21:03 (UTC)The last sentence is a little awkward. The plural of "it" in English is difficult to manage, and when I read it aloud "thought that the thing on the..." had me lisping.
The image you're building is awesome, though. I'm interested! Keep it coming! :)