How's this for an opening?

[gridlore]

"This close to the Melt common caution gave way to paranoia. The prospector bus crept forward, pausing every meter to lash the ground with sensors, looking for weakness and hot spots. Other sensors monitored the atmosphere looking for disturbances that might indicate potential disaster for the crew. Over and over, the bulky bus repeated the maneuver, inching forward on its six wide tracks, pausing, then lurching into motion again. Had there been any living being on the surface of Surtur, they might have thought that the thing on the valley floor was dying."

Comments

[cmdr-zoom.livejournal.com]

I like it.

[grimmwire.livejournal.com]

Excellent! Makes me want to read more.

[kevin-standlee.livejournal.com]

Yes, that's got a hook, I think. You've established several things that make me want to know what happened next and why.

[notthebuddha.livejournal.com]

I think the second sentence makes for a better first sentence; it shows what the first tells.

You've broken a genre habit with "bus" - I think you could do well to break some more and use other synonyms for sensors and the second occurrence of "bus", to pack all the more information in while you are setting the scene.

[robertprior.livejournal.com]

So you suggest switching the first two sentences? I think that works.

Also, maybe change "the crew" to "its crew". "Bulky bus" could become simply "it" as the subject of the paragraph.

[notthebuddha.livejournal.com]

I think the first sentence could go to the end of the line or be dropped entirely, but I'm hesitant to rewrite Doug's story for him.

[robertprior.livejournal.com]

I think you need the sentence, as clearly "the Melt" is what's important here — the reason for paranoia.

[biomekanic.livejournal.com]

Verra good!

Now write moar!

[fangedfaerie.livejournal.com]

Regarding sentence order, I like it the way it is. The second sentence gives rise to the third, and it progresses from there. Also, the first sentence is a GREAT hook.

The last sentence is a little awkward. The plural of "it" in English is difficult to manage, and when I read it aloud "thought that the thing on the..." had me lisping.

The image you're building is awesome, though. I'm interested! Keep it coming! :)