Comparison of military operational tactics (Snake model)

[gridlore]

Infantry: Snake smells them, leaves area.

Airborne: Lands on and kills the snake.

Airborne Ranger: Plays with snake, then eats it.

Armor: Runs over snake, laughs, and looks for more snakes.

Aviation: Blinks while aiming, destroys local village instead, swears the snake had a Stinger locked on him.

Field Artillery: Kills snake with massive Time On Target barrage with three Forward Artillery Brigades in support. Kills several hundred civilians as unavoidable collateral damage. Mission is considered a success and all participants (i.e., cooks, mechanics and clerks) are awarded Silver Stars.

Special Forces: Makes contact with snake, ignores all State Department directives and Theater Commander Rules of Engagement by building rapport with snake and winning its heart and mind. Trains it to kill other snakes. Files enormous travel settlement upon return.

Combat Engineer: Studies snake. Prepares in-depth doctrinal thesis in obscure 5 series Field Manual about how to defeat snake using counter mobility assets. Complains that maneuver forces don't understand how to properly conduct doctrinal counter-snake ops.

Navy SEAL: Expends all ammunition and calls for naval gunfire support in failed attempt to kill snake. Snake bites SEAL and retreats to safety. Hollywood makes fantasy film in which SEALS kill Muslim extremist snakes.

Navy: Fires off 50 cruise missiles from various types of ships, kills snake and makes presentation to Senate Appropriations Committee on how Naval forces are the most cost-effective means of anti-snake Force projection.

Marine Corps: Kills snake by accident while looking for souvenirs. Local civilians demand removal of all US forces from Area of Operations.

Marine Recon: Follows snake, gets lost.

Air Force: Has GPS coordinates to snake. Can't find snake. Returns to base for refuel, crew rest and manicure.


Feel free to add your MOS to the list.

Comments

[dalen-talas.livejournal.com]

PSYOPS: Bombard the area with leaflets encouraging the snake to defect to the US side and promising it a comfortable terrarium habitat in a major zoo. When this does not work, spray the area with mongoose scent.

Cyberwarfare: Ignore the snake, too busy dealing with worms.

[wcg.livejournal.com]

Marine Infantry: Captures snake, brands with Marine Corps eagle, globe, and anchor emblem, and keeps it as sex slave. Becomes despondent when snake dies.

Marine Supply: Paints snake green, and stencils USMC on snake. Enters snake in unit Table of Organization as supernumerary supply clerk.

Marine Aviation: hangs basket of snakes from helicopter door. Drops snakes as the mood strikes. Recovers snakes for future missions, due to shortage of snakes in supply system.

HQMC: Promotes snake to Major General. Assigns snake staff of 20 including a driver with staff car. Complains bitterly about Army snakes getting three stars.

[tsjafo.livejournal.com]

SAC: Launches MIRVed LGM-30G Minuteman III ICBM at snake's coordinates. Turn the keys, push the buttons, no more snakes.

[chaotic-nipple.livejournal.com]

SIGINT: Performs 24/7 intercept on all snake communications. Receives Field-Grade Article 15 for passing around snake phone-sex recordings.

[drewkitty.livejournal.com]

Army Medical: stocks up on snakebite kits by the pallet and trains all medical personnel in their use. Snakebite antivenom mysteriously unavailable (too costly). Bored doctors and nurses (and soldiers and medics) misuse suction cups in creative ways which inflict more casualties than the snakes. Ultimately, unused snakebite kits pile up at military surplus stores.

Army Supply: driver sees suspected snake in middle of road halts convoy. Traffic snafu ties up entire logistics route. Another 4,000 snake bite kits not delivered for ten hours. Logistician writes detailed military history thesis on why this caused us to lose the Snake War, suggests future air transport of all vital war material.

Army MPs: upon determining that worn tire tread in middle of road is not a snake, arrest it for interrogation and eventual repatriation.

[dalen-talas.livejournal.com]

Spetsnaz GRU: Infiltrate the snake-infested territory. After a week of dodging patrols and surviving on nothing but field-brewn snake moonshine, set explosives in all the strategic objects. Exfiltrate as the snake burrow, antivenom storage, latrines, and the nearby Burger King go off in flames. Leave a worn tire in the middle of the road as they do, just for shits and giggles. Kill the time until evac by finishing off the rest of the moonshine and laughing at the logistics snafu.

[chessdev.livejournal.com]

My dad, who was an Army Ranger, loved these!

[twfarlan.livejournal.com]

Navy galley crew kills snake by feeding it standard fare from evening chow.

[melchar.livejournal.com]

... and then add dead snake as entre to next meal.

[bobmage.livejournal.com]

Naval Nuclear Power: Assign snake to plant quals, perform intensive training until snake can perform all casualty drills.

[cmdr-zoom.livejournal.com]

Starfighter Command: Initial plan to eliminate snake nest based on bad intel. While most of squadron engages enemy assets in screening action, best pilot maneuvers through narrow entry corridor to destroy nest with precisely placed ordnance.