So, she played with my brain...

[gridlore]

Yesterday, I went down to Stanford to take part in the study on connections between epilepsy and depression. The tests were interesting, and told me some things about myself that I found disturbing,


To begin at the beginning, I started off on the wrong foot when the Muni N line got delayed in the tunnel, making miss the train I wanted to take south. I missed the 1130 train by four bloody minutes and had to wait until the noon train. Since it takes exactly an hour to reach Palo Alto, I was going to be late for my 1300 appointment.

I really like riding the train. If it wasn't so bleeding expensive, I'd take trains to visit eleri and isomeme, along with going east for things like GenCon. I enjoy looking out the windows and watching the world go by.

Luckily, the free Stanford shuttle was waiting and ready to go when we pulled into Palo alto, and I was only about ten minutes late. The (young, very cute) psychiatrist and I talked for about forty minutes about my mental health background, how my epilepsy has affected my life, and my attitudes about my health in general.

Then I filled out a thick stack of surveys. Here is where I began to get a little disturbed. I am letting my illness run my social life. My fear of seizing in public, my concerns about my lack of energy due to my meds, and general embarrassment about the entire condition are keeping me from doing things I'd really like to do. This has being going on for years, so I can't change overnight. But I want to try and get more connected with my friends. Since I'm on disability, now is a good time to start.

Let me try to explain. I feel like there is a large neon sign floating over me that flashes EPILEPSY over and over. I know that it isn't visible, but that's how it feels. Ever since I found out about my cancer, I've felt disconnected from my body. It went from being part of my whole to something that was trying to kill me, and now sabotages me with periodic attacks. I feel that the only part left that is really "me" is my mind. This is not healthy. It is probably part of my problem with sexual function as well.

Also, my anti-convulsant medication makes me twitch. I am very self-conscious about this. I hate it when I suddenly jerk my head or arms when meeting someone new. I know that most people understand that this is part and parcel of what I've been through, but I haven't been able to accept that in my illogical heart.

So, I need to get out more, and reconnect with society. Please let me or kshandra know about upcoming events, and and don't take no for an answer! This is going to be very hard for me. The only acceptable excuse is that I need to write something that is on deadline.

Epilepsy is a very scary thing, but I've been cowed by it too long. Please help me get past this. Thanks

Comments

[sossity.livejournal.com]

the thing about you that tends to give me the willies isn't the epilepsy.

i have met one other person who has been a sniper and it helped me recognize that i get a strange vibe from you. i attribute the vibe to sniper-ness, but i can't explain why or what kind of vibe it is.

i am telling myself that you are a person worth spending time with, and that my willies are not enough to keep me from associating with you. so i am trying to make some time to go down to the art party, in specific, and more socializing with you and yours in general.
i hope to see you soon!

[gridlore.livejournal.com]

"Sniper-ness" huh?

Well, we are selected from a group that has to fail several psychological tests (truth!) and be excellent shots to begin with, so it's not unusual that we give off the same vibe.

It's a matter of being capable of looking through a scope and killing someone who never knows that you are there. Most soliders can't do that. Infantry fire in self-defense, tankers kill other tanks, and artillery troops never even see what they are shooting at. We're different.

It's been sometime since we've seen each other, somplease let me know if the vibe has changed

[sossity.livejournal.com]

of course i will.

good luck with the social stuff. i have a lot of difficulty with being around other people, too.

so this summer i am working on that issue too! quelle coincidence!

[johno.livejournal.com]

I don't get a sniperish vibe off of you. I get that quiet confidence of special forces personal from you. The vibe of I've been to and through hell, and "No, I'm not going to tell you about it."

Nor do you have the "crazy" vibe my Uncle described to me. He was given the "light" duty of assisting a sniper. Slog through the jungle, wait at the bottom a tree, hear a single shot, slog back out of the jungle. Just being around this guy, drove my Uncle around the bend.

I have an eclectic background and met several different types of folks in my military career. One thing I learned was the difference between a real sepecial forces person and a wanna be. The real don't talk about it. They proudly where their wings/parachute/dolphins, but when asked what they did, they don't answer or they look you in the eye and say "No."

Hmmm, I seem to be rambling around, sorry.