Tales of Horror!

[gridlore]

Two stories from the weirdest damn day I can recall at Price Increase Global Souk.

Seriously, today was just off. Everybody bitchy, the store being empty for long stretches then filling up to the gills in seconds. All of us were looking at each other with "WTF?" expressions all day.

So onto the sheer horror!



Me: Praying that I get called back for a second interview for a non-customer-service job.
SS: Sad Sack, whose life sucks

Me: still with hope, as we had just opened and my soul had not yet been crushed "Goo morning, can I help you?"
SS: "Yeah, I need to return this." Whips out a bottle of hot sauce. The top of the bottle looks like it was sawed off. The bottle is empty. I mean, clean as a whistle.
Me: "Wow, OK, do you have the receipt?"
SS: "Nope."
Me: "OK, in that case, I need to do a return, and I'll need to see your driver's license or state ID."
SS: "I don't have one." Didn't I just see him drive up?
Me: "Sorry, but without the receipt I need a photo ID to process the return, company policy."
SS: "I work 70 hours a week and I get this treatment?" Huh?
Me: "Again, it's company policy. If I violate it, it could be my job."
SS: snotty "Would a passport do?"
Me: Yay! A solution that will get this guy out of my store! "Yes sir, that would work.

Sad Sack goes out to his car, and spends about five minutes rooting around. Comes back in.

SS: "I couldn't find it. But I have a letter from the IRS. They're auditing me." Like i care?
Me: shrugs "In that case, I'm sorry but there's nothing I can do without a receipt or a picture ID issued by the state or federal government." I was actually stretching things there, but at this point, I'd happily take anything to get this loser out of my store.
SS: "My ex-wife stole all that! For fuck's sake, do you really think that I'm trying to rip you off for a bottle of hot sauce?"
Me: "Sorry, but again, I can't help you. The company is really cracking down on this, and every return is being checked."
SS: "Fine!"

And he throws the bottle onto our concrete floor. Boom. Took me 25 minutes to find all the glass.


This took place mid-afternoon, about 1530.

Me: Revelation 6:4, that's me in a nutshell!
JF: Jesus Freak

Me: scan, scan, scanity-scan "And how are you doing today sir?"
JF: "Fine, tell me, what time do you open on Sundays?"
Me: "We're open 10 to 7."
JF: "Wow, I guess you all must go to early church services, then!"
f/x: Lost in Space Robot going "Danger Will Robinson!"
Me: "Well, I'm certain those who do attend church find a way."
JF: "'Those who attend?' Aren't you all Christians here?"
Me: A little annoyed, very tired and my feet hurt. "No, we have several faiths and other views on staff here."
JF: "When was the last time you attended church?"
Me: "September 9th, 1984" (I remember it so clearly since it was the mandatory visit during my first week of Basic Training.)
JF: Horrified, reaches over and grabs my freaking arm! "You need to pray with me right now! You must be saved! You have to come speak with my pastor today!"
Me: wrenching my arm away from idiot. "Touch me again and i see if I can throw you faster than the front doors can open. No warning."
JF: "But you have to learn about Jesus!"
Me: "SIR." Using the military approach, and making it sound like "cur" "I am well acquainted with the Christian Gospel. Just as I am familiar with Islam, Hindusim, Shintoism, Buddhism, and Thelema. My religious beliefs, or the lack of same, are not important to this transaction. Now pay me my money, and leave the store."
JF: "I'll pray that you see the light."
Me: "I did, and measured the photon density. Good day!"

Customer behind JF cracked up. Turned out to be an astronomer from Ames Research.

And lastly, a rant at every single person who used the $10 off coupon sent out in the Sunday paper ad. CUT THE FREAKING THING OUT OF THE BLOODY PAPER!! I have to collect, count, and turn those things in! I cannot stuff twenty+ full advertising circulars in my register! I assume that at least half of you are trusted with scissors (risky as that might be) so take the 35 seconds and prepare!

Cross posted to gridlore and customers_suck

Comments

[rickvs.livejournal.com]

*cheer*. Sorry about the wanker. Good reflexes on the fundamentalist :>

[fimbrethil.livejournal.com]

:) You handle the weirdo customers well.

[odanu.livejournal.com]

I had to call Elwood at work and share that one with him. What a nut-job!

[lysana.livejournal.com]

Photon density. You geek. ;)

[tiggerypum.livejournal.com]

Just popped over to see how things are going for you lately. I love how you handled the JF, and it also gave me a good laugh. I am sure I would not have been laughing at the time had it been me in your shoes.
And I hope your new job prospects come through.