How Weird Are You?
Dec. 26th, 2001 01:10 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
gridloreThis was posted to rec.games.frp.misc for some reason. I scored 111.
THE AMAZING ALL*-NEW, IMPROVED, WEIRDNESS TEST VERSION II
-- more than seven minutes in the making --
by tim at midnight.demon.co.uk **
JUST HOW WEIRD ARE YOU?
Many occultists, pagans, new-agers, geeks, Goths, physicists, book- store owners, inbred fenlanders, students and little old men like to claim that they are weird, at least when faced with obviously normal company. But how true is it? After all, there's a lot more to being weird than just knowing some funky stuff...
To find out if you really do have the sort of mind that lurches around the foothills of sanity like a demented gamekeeper hunting forever for "Tha damn'd pheasant that took ma bonnie lass", just go through the questions in the quiz, keeping a note of your score.
It works a bit like a store loyalty card -- the more points you get, the stranger you are.
If you don't understand a question, then you're just going to have to assume that you scored a 0 for one. If you check up on it on the 'net before committing yourself to an answer, you've _definitely_ earned any weird points you get...
You may like to email me (tim at midnight.demon.co.uk **) your score, although it won't earn you any bonus points. It should, but it won't; I'm tight like that. If you do send your score in, I promise*** not to reply too rudely. I may even keep a league chart up, if I can be bothered -- if I do, it (and this test) will be at http://www.midnight.demon.co.uk/weirdo.html. But, really, don't hold your breath. I mean, I _do_ have other things to be doing. Feel free to forward, repost or web-host this quiz in its entirety if for some reason you want to; just don't try to steal the credit. A couple of poor, deluded fools did that with v.I, and they (and their ISPs) regretted it...
In the following quiz, you'll encounter a number of questions & situations. For each one, select the lettered option a) - f) that most closely corresponds with your actual feelings, attitude or life. You may occasionally be asked to make a choice in advance -- if so, you're on your honour to pick something before reading the answers. Each answer you give will score from 0 to 5 points, with a) being 0, f) being 5, and b) - e) being 1 - 4 points respectively. This is pretty obvious really, if you are able to think about it. You know. c) is 3, yeah? Yeah... You got it... Trust me...
1) You're walking down the street, dressed in your favourite clothes...
a) Businessmen look upon you as an equal.
b) No-one pays much attention. Trendy young people snigger slightly.
c) Little children look slightly nervous while you're around.
d) Labourers and gang members cross the road to avoid passing you.
e) A concerned citizen 'phones the police, who send in a SWAT team to take you out. Ha! It does no better than the others.
f) No-one pays much attention, until they try to seduce you. When they meet your underwear, those who survive run away very, very fast, and do not talk to anyone about sex ever again. You *do* try not to sit down too much, though.
2) When _are_ the stars right?
a) Aren't they always?
b) Not often. Tom and Nicole were certainly wrong about each other, haha.
c) Well, they feel kinda wrong when I visit the other hemisphere... So they're right when I'm at home, perhaps?
d) Haa, I know not, but the time shall be presaged by evil visions and terrors amongst the poets and the artists, and when the moment comes at last, R'lyeh shall rise forth and the Great One will be released, and mankind shall be wild and amoral and free, and then the end times will come, and those damnable double-glazing people will stop calling.
e) We'll be there soon, dear. Do stop fussing.
f) It depends. They're pretty unreliable on most stuff. I mean, Aldebaran is bang up to date with the New Metal scene, and you can always trust Sirius to come up with the goods on art house, renaissance painting, and politics. In general though... they're just full of hot air.
3) How do you derive your regular income?
a) I work in an office. Why?
b) I get a grant.
c) I'm on welfare handouts.
d) I deal drugs in Times Square.
e) My father, who died some years ago, left me an inheritance that produces a modest monthly stipend. It isn't fantastic, but it's more than enough to keep my work going without 'dipping into the capital'.
f) Money comes to me as and when I need it. The means varies from day to day - yesterday, I found N$3000 (Three Thousand Nigerian Dollars) hidden inside a cat.
4) Imagine there were two of you. Which one would win?
a) I would.
b) The other one.
c) Everyone else would win!
d) There already _are_ two of me.
e) We'd all lose.
f) Who said anything about fighting? We'd look at each other, grin broadly, go get a pizza, and start plotting the takeover of the world...
5) What do you think of Cthulhu?
a) Ummm... did you sneeze?
b) It's a thing from some old horror fiction.
c) He's a tentacled monster that sleeps imprisoned in a sunken island in the south pacific, waiting to rise again -- when the Stars Are Right (see [2], above).
d) A fascinating magickal egregore, very useful for dream-based rituals to proto-human states.
e) It's a lovely name for a girl.
f) Who? Didn't you come in here to buy a book sonny, not to ask an old man silly questions?
6) If you could eliminate one Thing from the world, what would it be?
a) Poverty.
b) Smallpox. Oh, hey, wait a minute...
c) Windows. No, _not_ the glassy stuff that keeps all that nasty weather out.
d) That frigid bitch that works in the drug store on 4th and Upper. She didn't have to snicker like that. It's just rude. I bet she's a dyke. The world wouldn't miss her _one_little_bit_. Hey, they'd probably even reward me for getting rid of her. Y'know, this is starting to sound like a good idea. I know where she lives, too...
e) But I like them all, even Goatboy and Emil. Can't we keep them all? Please?
f) Tomatoes. I _hate_ them, with their sharp, pointy faces and their nasty, buzzing wings. They talk to me, you know. At night, when the moon goes dancing. They say such wicked things...
7) The nature of Monkey was...
a) Something to do with going 'Ook'?
b) To hang around in trees, grinning for no good reason and eating bits of fruit.
c) Guilty of several unpleasant crimes against nature. Filthy little bastards.
d) ... Irrepressible!
e) Monkey is an inquisitive Totem, full of energy and curiosity, with a mischievous sense of humour. He means well though, and he has a strong sense of his place in the world.
f) To be shaved bald, dipped in honey, and staked out in the desert sun as a tidbit for ants. Hey, we've all got to get our kicks somehow.
8) What is your normal sexual position?
a) Ohh. Uhh. Um. My. Um. The missionary, I suppose.
b) On top.
c) In train toilets.
d) In the middle.
e) Spread out on the altar with a candle up my ass.
f) Hanging by our feet from a street lamp, with our ears welded together and a pair of Moroccan Baboons for light relief.
9) What is the Prophecy?
a) A prediction about the future meant to guide or foretell, often obscure, frequently phrased in rhyme.
b) A Magic: the Gathering expansion set.
c) Cheesy horror film starring Christopher Walken as the Angel Gabriel gone bad.
d) The most accurate prophecy I've heard recently was "Game Over, man! It's Game Over!"
e) It starts "When the Dark comes rising, six shall turn it back..."
f) A zealot will rise to power within the USA. Thanks to the recent loss of certain civil liberties, he will be able to quickly subdue opponents, and his crusade to 'purify' the country will destroy us all. He is working within the government now; by 2005, he will be a household name, and by 2007 he will be a dictator. The wars he brings will have reduced our global population by 80% by 2016. And that's bankable.
10) Do you have any pets?
a) Yes, a dog.
b) No.
c) Yes, a cat.
d) Yes, six Japanese fighting fish, carefully segregated.
e) Weellll, sort of - I breed calves, goats and black cockerels. I do try not to get too attached to them, though.
f) Oh yes, *giggle*, yes indeed. She'd like to see my pets, Igor! Come, come, and let me show you. It's much easier that way.
11) Do you have the spark?
a) I use a lighter, but thanks for asking.
b) Is that like the Shining or something?
c) No, not really. That's not who I am.
d) Hey, I am the Wielder of the Secret Flame! You May Not Pass!
e) Yes.
f) Sure thing, son. What size d'ya want it in? 2" do ya?
12) Which of the following phrases do you use most often?
a) "Isn't the weather dreadful!"
b) "No, thanks."
c) "A beer, Charlie. Make it a cold one."
d) "Oh, I'm sorry. Was that _your_ child? Please, have her back. Good day! I beg your...? Fuck you too, Madam."
e) "Ateh! Malkuth! Ve Gevurah! Ve Gedulah! Le Olahm!!"
f) "Leave your donation on the dresser, and I'll see you same time next Thursday. And for chrissakes remember the goat next session, OK?"
13) What is your favourite film?
a) Titanic
b) Star Wars
c) A Clockwork Orange
d) The Blair Witch Project
e) Journey To The Centre Of The Ass
f) Highlander II
14) Bob?
a) Jim?
b) Oh yeah, what do you call a paraplegic guy in a swimming pool, haha.
c) Haha! Slack! The Anti-Bob! Kill me! Frop! Hahaha!
d) ... Ha! Watch me go! I'm the cosmic neutron gun! Throw my switch and watch _me_ blast you into space, baby! I ate the earth for breakfast, but it gave me really nasty gas, so I spewed it back up again! Nothing can come close to me, because _I_COME_CLOSE_TO_IT_!! I...
e) That'll be $5, please.
f) No.
15) Who are you?
a) Well, I'm me obviously.
b) Who d'ya want me to be, sweetheart?
c) No-one of consequence.
d) The New Number Two.
e) I'm the one your mother warned you about...
f) Would you just remind me what year it is please? Ah. Thank you. Then I am Martin Browne, and I am at your service.
16) When, to your mind, would 'Strange Phenomena' start being _strange_?
a) That X-files show. That really weirds me out.
b) Anything that science can't explain.
c) After the second toke.
d) A Rain of Live Frogs.
e) Crop Circles appearing overnight in the middle of 5th Avenue.
f) From birth onwards.
17) What is 'Engineering'?
a) It's the stuff that holds bridges up.
b) The physical science that deals with structure and physical properties.
c) Its a big room, white and gleaming, with lots of light and a whole stack of computer terminals, and a bunch of people in red shirts running around looking efficient.
d) The force that binds the universe together.
e) A huge, spherical chamber at the end of a rolling cheese grater of death. Inside the fanged iris door, you'll find the floor is pitted with bizarre spikes, and three rune-carved concentric rings hang in the centre, each turning in a different spatial dimension. All of which is of course _entirely_ justifiable as a magnetic design feature. Even the teeth on the door.
f) The fourth major food group, after 'Chocolate', 'Stress', and 'Half'.
18) Time:
a) Is on your side.
b) Is an illusion. Lunchtime doubly so.
c) Is coiled and twisted in ways that man cannot understand; the future can affect the past, even though the past is a road that leads to the future...
d) Is two before Money, but two after Breathe.
e) Is a corridor, always churning, always seeking a way in... sometimes, when the fabric rubs thin, in old places, time can seep through and grab things...
f) Is highly over-rated.
19) What is Magick?
a) Illusion -- just ask David Blane, Penn & Teller or *hack, spit* Paul Daniels. Oh, and you spelt it wrong.
b) Strange people in silly clothes doing pointless things to chickens.
c) Frazer's Laws of Sympathy and Contagion provide a ritual framework that the primitive mind uses to try to take power over the inanimate forces of.
d) The art of changing the world in accordance with will.
e) All life is Magick.
f) Laughter.
20) "Come To Daddy" is:
a) The sort of sweet family comment you'd expect to overhear in a park of a Sunday.
b) A sign that you're about to get another darn slippering.
c) A spooky Aphex Twin track.
d) The last thing that most of my victims get to hear.
e) Pretty camp as Evil Overlord slogans go but hey, all the good ones were taken already, and anyway, a bit of camp can go a long way in winning a bit of audience appreciation... just look at Tim Curry...
f) Wrong on _soooo_ many levels...
21) Do you possess any psychic powers?
a) They're a load of crap.
b) No, but I wish I did.
c) Well, I am very intuitive and in touch with my feminine nature.
d) I know who's on the phone before I answer it.
e) Yes, I often get visions, which later come true. Bookies hate me.
f) Yeehaw! I've nearly got the full set! All I need now is Full-contact Psychometry! Say.. you wouldn't swap me for 2 Telepathys and a Clairvoyance, would you? I could throw in a Green Fingers, too...
22) Why, in your opinion, was Stonehenge built?
a) Thousands of Neolithic workers hauled gigantic stone monoliths hundreds of miles from Wales to the Salisbury plains in order to build a stone calendar thingy, so that the poor dears could tell which the longest day was, because it was obviously _real_ important to them.
a) Some sort of temple.
a) A really _big_ tomb. Hey, if the Pharaohs can do it, why not the Druids?
a) To align the energies of the Michael line.
a) To stop the Lord Of All Evil from escaping his prison. I saw the Yellow Emperor himself come over to Britain and commission it...
a) It's the screw that holds the world's arse on.
23) Do you play any Role-Playing Games?
a) Dungeons and Dragons leads to Satanism and suicide. I'm *way* too smart for that.
b) Oh boy, yes! I only stop playing Rifts to go to the toilet once a week!
c) Yeah, sure, I've played some role-playing games. Nowadays I read White Wolf, but I don't _play_.
d) I'm featured in Over The Edge...
e) I write role-playing games professionally, as a matter of fact.
f) Play??? Look bud, all my best magick was learnt from RPGs! Don't believe me? Watch, then as I fireball your cat! ***WHOOOOOSSSSSSHH*** **WHUMP** *MEEeeoooww......* HAHAHAHAHAAAAAA!
24) If you had a totem animal, what would it be? Choose one before proceeding.
a) Wolf, Bear, Eagle, Dolphin, Raven or Buffalo.
b) Spider, Dog, Monkey, Shark, Deer or Owl.
c) Any creature not mentioned in another option.
d) Any insect, or Cat.
e) Inanimate objects, foodstuffs or mythical creatures.
f) Papa Legba.
25) A typical thing that your parents would say to you is:
a) "Hello, dear, it's your mother. When are you bringing the kids round to see us again? I hope you're eating properly... I've been so tired recently."
b) "TURN THAT BLOODY NOISE DOWN!"
c) "Mph. Snrph. Wassup? Uh? Its 2am, forgodsake!"
d) Told to you only by mediums, 'cos they're no longer alive.
e) "It's who?"
f) "Cut the red wire. _RED_. NO!! The _OTHER_ Red. Ohshit."
26) What did you last eat?
a) A nice pork chop, with some boiled potato and cabbage.
b) Lentil stew with wok-fried bean sprouts and a glass of holistic carrot extract.
c) A portion of chips.
d) A pizza that was delivered to your door by a jumpy delivery guy.
e) Some wafers made of a mixture of your own blood, your dog's sexual fluids, burnt parchment and oatmeal bran.
f) Somalia.
27) Parallel Dimensions are:
a) Some more strange crap you've made up, right?
b) Proven true by Quantum Mechanics.
f) Look, this is just tedious. They're not capturing my imagination enough to be amusing about. I should delete the question, but I can't be bothered to find another one. I've stumbled into several parallel dimensions in my time -- you switch back when you go to sleep -- and most of them have been pretty tame, a switched sign here or a person there. The Genghis Khan variant, in which the Mongol Hordes swarmed Rome and set up Europe, is pretty wild -- really hi-tech, surprisingly -- and, by God, don't get me started about the whole Graham 99 stuff, but you either believe me or you don't. Scoring is easy. If you trust me on this (and it really is *odd* watching a traffic light change shape in front of you when you're not on drugs and not getting a flashback), that's worth 5 points. If you don't believe me, screw you, you're stuck with 0 or 1 points depending on how you feel about Quantum Mechanics. So there. Ha. I feel better already.
28) I'm going to say "The Illuminatus! Trilogy" to you.
a) ...and I'm going to say "Shut it, tosser" to you.
b) Oh, that old Yarn by Wilson, right?
c) I read the Illuminatus once. It was funny.
d) I've read the Illuminatus many, many times. It contains the secrets of the universe, if you look hard enough.
e) I own a printed & bound copy of the Principia.
f) I'll see you under the Plaza on May 23.
29) How Old are you?
a) 40-something.
b) Don't you know it's rude to ask a lady her age?
c) 13-19.
d) It has been fourteen months since I was found worthy of receiving the herons.
e) The Circle is beyond time. It rose in the first moments that mankind worked the forces of nature, and stretches across history. We are immortal, ageless, loosely anchored in history and chronology. We are Old in the fight against the Dark, that much is true... but do not seek to label us.
f) 3.
30) Do you see auras?
a) What are they?
b) No.
c) I tried once or twice, but had no luck.
d) Perhaps... after 30 minutes naked, alone in a dark room...
e) Yes.
f) That depends. I had a real mean aura in here once, it chewed up half the place, and I had to replace the sofa too. How much is it offering? Is it house-trained?
31) What are you owed at the moment?
a) A beer or two and my week's pay, but that's the way it always is.
b) With six maxxed credit cards, an overdraft, three store cards, a Time Life "Metal Masters" music program account and a nasty little gambling habit I picked up in Morocco, being _owed_ stuff is just this vague dream I have...
c) Final payments on half a dozen contracts, maybe 10K in total?
d) $25 million, a fast helicopter and no funny business, or else the Enigma Machine gets it, for I am The Master! Mwahahaha!
e) 14 souls (one slightly tarnished), 6 newborns, two herds of prime black bulls, and a McHappy Meal. What? Hey, she drove a hard bargain for a 6yr old. Hey, laugh it up, furball...
f) Another turn.
32) If you are going to program a computer, what language do you use?
a) Oh, I don't program computers... I use Windows.
b) SQL.
c) Foul language.
d) Binary, cut direct to disk with a sector editor.
e) Braille.
f) Enochian.
33) Vampires...
a) Represent the repressed sexuality of the Victorian era, strongly eroticising carnal behaviour but having to sublimate it as something fatal in order to kowtow to the mores of the time.
b) Are literary bogeymen that Dracula made popular.
c) Can be subdivided into Clans, some of which seek to keep a low profile to minimize danger from the masses of humanity, while others are less concerned.
d) Suck. Big time.
e) Crop up all over the world in a suspiciously uniform manner, which seems a hell of a coincidence really, if you stop to think about it for a bit...
f) Really get stuck in between your teeth. They repeat on you for hours, too. I try to avoid them.
34) Let us suppose that you have a long-lost great-aunt, who dies and leaves you something in her will. What would it be?
a) Ten Million Dollars.
b) A nice house, say 30-40K, some furniture.
c) A cat.
d) A crumbling old gothic mansion, miles from anywhere, served by a single elderly retainer, just as crumbly. As you drive through the obligatory little village to take possession, all the locals stare at you with a mixture of fear, hope and pity, but all you can think of is the wonderful party you're going to have there at the next full moon with all your Sorority sisters from the Campus.
e) A mysterious old envelope, containing three sheets that look suspiciously like an ancient map...
f) A peculiar brass casket, sealed with wax and covered with odd hieroglyphs and symbols. Despite repeated urgings, you put it in the attic, unopened, and never touch it again. The matter is never mentioned again, save for a strange new addition to your will that your lawyer receives a short time later.
35) When you stay in a hotel, the person in the room next to you:
a) Remains a total mystery. There's no way _I'm_ going to go and introduce myself to some total stranger.
b) Is usually on business too.
c) Demands a transfer to a different room within about 15 minutes.
d) Can't get to sleep because of the noise, so comes round to help turn your threesome into a foursome. Yeeha!
e) Seems determined to complete the full six hours of a determined three-fold invocation of the forces of Wild, as embodied by the Hymn to Pan. That's fine; the bit _you_ can't get is how he managed to smuggle an entire crate of swans and an angle-grinder into his room without the receptionist saying anything.
f) Keeps talking intently about a blockage at Head Office...
36) How would you describe your character?
a) Oh, y'know, I'm nice... pretty normal, I guess.
b) I'm weird. Eh? No, I don't have an example. I just _am_, 'kay?
c) A Level 5 Elven Fighter/Thief (l3/l2). His sword is the token of chiefdom of his tribe, which was wiped out by marauding undead under the control of the Necromancer of Gorn, who...
d) If you want a quick summary, check out p233-238 of "Applied Psychology".
e) She is a moral and upstanding citizen who in all the years I have known her could never stoop to the sort of antisocial actions of which she is accused.
f) Pickman autobus encounter meets devourer tentacle...
37) Do you believe in ghosts?
a) No.
b) I'm not sure. I've seen some fairly odd stuff.
c) Yes.
d) Believe? Hey look pal, I only ever date ghosts. They're great in bed, they've got appearance down to a tee, and they're not interested in all that "romantic dinner and expensive wine" crap, either.
e) Only if they believe in me too. I've done that whole 'giving support and not asking for anything back' thing before, and frankly it never works.
f) That's a rather ironic question... More to the point, do you?
38) What work of Aleistair Crowley's did you find most illuminating?
a) Who?
b) Oh, well, actually, I haven't read any of his stuff yet, but I will do one day.
c) Diary of a Drug Fiend.
d) Magick in Theory and in Practice.
e) Liber 777.
f) The Book of Lies.
39) Congratulations! Tomorrow is your 11th birthday! What are you expecting?
a) A bike.
b) A kitten.
c) Yet another beating.
d) A long, delicious day being lovingly bathed, massaged, oiled and fellated by a clutch of nubile virgins before being burnt to death at sunset in a giant wicker goose. _Again_.
e) That tonight will be bad, and tomorrow will be beyond imagining... that and a curious iron circle, quartered by a cross.
f) Oblivion.
40) What do you like on your pizza?
a) Oh, I don't really eat pizza much.
b) Ham and mushroom.
c) Extra olives.
d) Another pizza.
e) High-grade gloss wood varnish. It stops the toppings getting wet in bad weather.
f) Sex. It's gotta be a big pizza though, or else you're in danger of falling off when things get intense...
Right, that's the end of the questions. Now, add up your scores...
How did you do?
0-10 - Mmm. You're normal. You're so straight, you even think in lines. In fact, anyone this normal would have never bothered reading this post, so if you're reading this, you're either curious, stupid, or very, very silly. This level of person is dullsville.
11-40 - Well, you've heard the call of the strange out there, roaming the plains of life. You haven't answered, but at least you didn't assume it was indigestion. This level of score indicates a person who is probably more normal, to be fair, than someone who got 0. If you only got a few pts, be *very* careful -- its all downhill from here!
41-80 - You're fairly odd. Your normal friends describe you as weird, and you take it as a compliment. You probably wear black, so as to make a point, and you slightly worry the people who still remember World War I. You are likely to be interested in strange things, but you never seem to manage to get to grips with them.
81-120 - Definitely a bit on the wild side. You are probably a student of paranormal matters. People who get to know you are often surprised that you aren't as straight as they first thought. Your last girl/boyfriend was scared for 3 weeks after splitting with you, _just_in_case_. You intimidate petty authority figures, such as interviewers, bus conductors and moral rights campaigners.
121-160 - You are undoubtedly odd. You worry your family, and you no longer have any normal friends. When you go on holiday, you chose places like Transylvania, the Sonora desert, McMurdo Sound and the Amazonian rain forest. You mutter and mumble to yourself in times of stress, and you try not to open your wardrobe too often, in case something comes through...
161-190 - You, my friend, are either several bats short of a belfry, or a dedicated, trained occultist. If there is a difference. Plants wither in your presence, children run away yelping, dogs run away yelping, even chicken run away yelping, for god's sake. You live in a different world to the rest of the planet, and you like it there. Definitely, unashamedly weird.
191-200 - You are so bizarre that I'm surprised you managed to read this quiz, let alone complete it. Talking to you is rather like trying to carry a basket of live turkeys up the side of the Empire States Building in a gale - very hard, extremely dangerous, full of 'gobble-gobble-gobble' noises, and covered in feathers. The last time you stopped long enough to observe the rest of humanity, someone slapped a parking fine on you. You wouldn't know a tax return unless it came up to you and introduced itself to you by clan. Most of the time, they do.
THE AMAZING ALL*-NEW, IMPROVED, WEIRDNESS TEST VERSION II
-- more than seven minutes in the making --
by tim at midnight.demon.co.uk **
JUST HOW WEIRD ARE YOU?
Many occultists, pagans, new-agers, geeks, Goths, physicists, book- store owners, inbred fenlanders, students and little old men like to claim that they are weird, at least when faced with obviously normal company. But how true is it? After all, there's a lot more to being weird than just knowing some funky stuff...
To find out if you really do have the sort of mind that lurches around the foothills of sanity like a demented gamekeeper hunting forever for "Tha damn'd pheasant that took ma bonnie lass", just go through the questions in the quiz, keeping a note of your score.
It works a bit like a store loyalty card -- the more points you get, the stranger you are.
If you don't understand a question, then you're just going to have to assume that you scored a 0 for one. If you check up on it on the 'net before committing yourself to an answer, you've _definitely_ earned any weird points you get...
You may like to email me (tim at midnight.demon.co.uk **) your score, although it won't earn you any bonus points. It should, but it won't; I'm tight like that. If you do send your score in, I promise*** not to reply too rudely. I may even keep a league chart up, if I can be bothered -- if I do, it (and this test) will be at http://www.midnight.demon.co.uk/weirdo.html. But, really, don't hold your breath. I mean, I _do_ have other things to be doing. Feel free to forward, repost or web-host this quiz in its entirety if for some reason you want to; just don't try to steal the credit. A couple of poor, deluded fools did that with v.I, and they (and their ISPs) regretted it...
In the following quiz, you'll encounter a number of questions & situations. For each one, select the lettered option a) - f) that most closely corresponds with your actual feelings, attitude or life. You may occasionally be asked to make a choice in advance -- if so, you're on your honour to pick something before reading the answers. Each answer you give will score from 0 to 5 points, with a) being 0, f) being 5, and b) - e) being 1 - 4 points respectively. This is pretty obvious really, if you are able to think about it. You know. c) is 3, yeah? Yeah... You got it... Trust me...
1) You're walking down the street, dressed in your favourite clothes...
a) Businessmen look upon you as an equal.
b) No-one pays much attention. Trendy young people snigger slightly.
c) Little children look slightly nervous while you're around.
d) Labourers and gang members cross the road to avoid passing you.
e) A concerned citizen 'phones the police, who send in a SWAT team to take you out. Ha! It does no better than the others.
f) No-one pays much attention, until they try to seduce you. When they meet your underwear, those who survive run away very, very fast, and do not talk to anyone about sex ever again. You *do* try not to sit down too much, though.
2) When _are_ the stars right?
a) Aren't they always?
b) Not often. Tom and Nicole were certainly wrong about each other, haha.
c) Well, they feel kinda wrong when I visit the other hemisphere... So they're right when I'm at home, perhaps?
d) Haa, I know not, but the time shall be presaged by evil visions and terrors amongst the poets and the artists, and when the moment comes at last, R'lyeh shall rise forth and the Great One will be released, and mankind shall be wild and amoral and free, and then the end times will come, and those damnable double-glazing people will stop calling.
e) We'll be there soon, dear. Do stop fussing.
f) It depends. They're pretty unreliable on most stuff. I mean, Aldebaran is bang up to date with the New Metal scene, and you can always trust Sirius to come up with the goods on art house, renaissance painting, and politics. In general though... they're just full of hot air.
3) How do you derive your regular income?
a) I work in an office. Why?
b) I get a grant.
c) I'm on welfare handouts.
d) I deal drugs in Times Square.
e) My father, who died some years ago, left me an inheritance that produces a modest monthly stipend. It isn't fantastic, but it's more than enough to keep my work going without 'dipping into the capital'.
f) Money comes to me as and when I need it. The means varies from day to day - yesterday, I found N$3000 (Three Thousand Nigerian Dollars) hidden inside a cat.
4) Imagine there were two of you. Which one would win?
a) I would.
b) The other one.
c) Everyone else would win!
d) There already _are_ two of me.
e) We'd all lose.
f) Who said anything about fighting? We'd look at each other, grin broadly, go get a pizza, and start plotting the takeover of the world...
5) What do you think of Cthulhu?
a) Ummm... did you sneeze?
b) It's a thing from some old horror fiction.
c) He's a tentacled monster that sleeps imprisoned in a sunken island in the south pacific, waiting to rise again -- when the Stars Are Right (see [2], above).
d) A fascinating magickal egregore, very useful for dream-based rituals to proto-human states.
e) It's a lovely name for a girl.
f) Who? Didn't you come in here to buy a book sonny, not to ask an old man silly questions?
6) If you could eliminate one Thing from the world, what would it be?
a) Poverty.
b) Smallpox. Oh, hey, wait a minute...
c) Windows. No, _not_ the glassy stuff that keeps all that nasty weather out.
d) That frigid bitch that works in the drug store on 4th and Upper. She didn't have to snicker like that. It's just rude. I bet she's a dyke. The world wouldn't miss her _one_little_bit_. Hey, they'd probably even reward me for getting rid of her. Y'know, this is starting to sound like a good idea. I know where she lives, too...
e) But I like them all, even Goatboy and Emil. Can't we keep them all? Please?
f) Tomatoes. I _hate_ them, with their sharp, pointy faces and their nasty, buzzing wings. They talk to me, you know. At night, when the moon goes dancing. They say such wicked things...
7) The nature of Monkey was...
a) Something to do with going 'Ook'?
b) To hang around in trees, grinning for no good reason and eating bits of fruit.
c) Guilty of several unpleasant crimes against nature. Filthy little bastards.
d) ... Irrepressible!
e) Monkey is an inquisitive Totem, full of energy and curiosity, with a mischievous sense of humour. He means well though, and he has a strong sense of his place in the world.
f) To be shaved bald, dipped in honey, and staked out in the desert sun as a tidbit for ants. Hey, we've all got to get our kicks somehow.
8) What is your normal sexual position?
a) Ohh. Uhh. Um. My. Um. The missionary, I suppose.
b) On top.
c) In train toilets.
d) In the middle.
e) Spread out on the altar with a candle up my ass.
f) Hanging by our feet from a street lamp, with our ears welded together and a pair of Moroccan Baboons for light relief.
9) What is the Prophecy?
a) A prediction about the future meant to guide or foretell, often obscure, frequently phrased in rhyme.
b) A Magic: the Gathering expansion set.
c) Cheesy horror film starring Christopher Walken as the Angel Gabriel gone bad.
d) The most accurate prophecy I've heard recently was "Game Over, man! It's Game Over!"
e) It starts "When the Dark comes rising, six shall turn it back..."
f) A zealot will rise to power within the USA. Thanks to the recent loss of certain civil liberties, he will be able to quickly subdue opponents, and his crusade to 'purify' the country will destroy us all. He is working within the government now; by 2005, he will be a household name, and by 2007 he will be a dictator. The wars he brings will have reduced our global population by 80% by 2016. And that's bankable.
10) Do you have any pets?
a) Yes, a dog.
b) No.
c) Yes, a cat.
d) Yes, six Japanese fighting fish, carefully segregated.
e) Weellll, sort of - I breed calves, goats and black cockerels. I do try not to get too attached to them, though.
f) Oh yes, *giggle*, yes indeed. She'd like to see my pets, Igor! Come, come, and let me show you. It's much easier that way.
11) Do you have the spark?
a) I use a lighter, but thanks for asking.
b) Is that like the Shining or something?
c) No, not really. That's not who I am.
d) Hey, I am the Wielder of the Secret Flame! You May Not Pass!
e) Yes.
f) Sure thing, son. What size d'ya want it in? 2" do ya?
12) Which of the following phrases do you use most often?
a) "Isn't the weather dreadful!"
b) "No, thanks."
c) "A beer, Charlie. Make it a cold one."
d) "Oh, I'm sorry. Was that _your_ child? Please, have her back. Good day! I beg your...? Fuck you too, Madam."
e) "Ateh! Malkuth! Ve Gevurah! Ve Gedulah! Le Olahm!!"
f) "Leave your donation on the dresser, and I'll see you same time next Thursday. And for chrissakes remember the goat next session, OK?"
13) What is your favourite film?
a) Titanic
b) Star Wars
c) A Clockwork Orange
d) The Blair Witch Project
e) Journey To The Centre Of The Ass
f) Highlander II
14) Bob?
a) Jim?
b) Oh yeah, what do you call a paraplegic guy in a swimming pool, haha.
c) Haha! Slack! The Anti-Bob! Kill me! Frop! Hahaha!
d) ... Ha! Watch me go! I'm the cosmic neutron gun! Throw my switch and watch _me_ blast you into space, baby! I ate the earth for breakfast, but it gave me really nasty gas, so I spewed it back up again! Nothing can come close to me, because _I_COME_CLOSE_TO_IT_!! I...
e) That'll be $5, please.
f) No.
15) Who are you?
a) Well, I'm me obviously.
b) Who d'ya want me to be, sweetheart?
c) No-one of consequence.
d) The New Number Two.
e) I'm the one your mother warned you about...
f) Would you just remind me what year it is please? Ah. Thank you. Then I am Martin Browne, and I am at your service.
16) When, to your mind, would 'Strange Phenomena' start being _strange_?
a) That X-files show. That really weirds me out.
b) Anything that science can't explain.
c) After the second toke.
d) A Rain of Live Frogs.
e) Crop Circles appearing overnight in the middle of 5th Avenue.
f) From birth onwards.
17) What is 'Engineering'?
a) It's the stuff that holds bridges up.
b) The physical science that deals with structure and physical properties.
c) Its a big room, white and gleaming, with lots of light and a whole stack of computer terminals, and a bunch of people in red shirts running around looking efficient.
d) The force that binds the universe together.
e) A huge, spherical chamber at the end of a rolling cheese grater of death. Inside the fanged iris door, you'll find the floor is pitted with bizarre spikes, and three rune-carved concentric rings hang in the centre, each turning in a different spatial dimension. All of which is of course _entirely_ justifiable as a magnetic design feature. Even the teeth on the door.
f) The fourth major food group, after 'Chocolate', 'Stress', and 'Half'.
18) Time:
a) Is on your side.
b) Is an illusion. Lunchtime doubly so.
c) Is coiled and twisted in ways that man cannot understand; the future can affect the past, even though the past is a road that leads to the future...
d) Is two before Money, but two after Breathe.
e) Is a corridor, always churning, always seeking a way in... sometimes, when the fabric rubs thin, in old places, time can seep through and grab things...
f) Is highly over-rated.
19) What is Magick?
a) Illusion -- just ask David Blane, Penn & Teller or *hack, spit* Paul Daniels. Oh, and you spelt it wrong.
b) Strange people in silly clothes doing pointless things to chickens.
c) Frazer's Laws of Sympathy and Contagion provide a ritual framework that the primitive mind uses to try to take power over the inanimate forces of
d) The art of changing the world in accordance with will.
e) All life is Magick.
f) Laughter.
20) "Come To Daddy" is:
a) The sort of sweet family comment you'd expect to overhear in a park of a Sunday.
b) A sign that you're about to get another darn slippering.
c) A spooky Aphex Twin track.
d) The last thing that most of my victims get to hear.
e) Pretty camp as Evil Overlord slogans go but hey, all the good ones were taken already, and anyway, a bit of camp can go a long way in winning a bit of audience appreciation... just look at Tim Curry...
f) Wrong on _soooo_ many levels...
21) Do you possess any psychic powers?
a) They're a load of crap.
b) No, but I wish I did.
c) Well, I am very intuitive and in touch with my feminine nature.
d) I know who's on the phone before I answer it.
e) Yes, I often get visions, which later come true. Bookies hate me.
f) Yeehaw! I've nearly got the full set! All I need now is Full-contact Psychometry! Say.. you wouldn't swap me for 2 Telepathys and a Clairvoyance, would you? I could throw in a Green Fingers, too...
22) Why, in your opinion, was Stonehenge built?
a) Thousands of Neolithic workers hauled gigantic stone monoliths hundreds of miles from Wales to the Salisbury plains in order to build a stone calendar thingy, so that the poor dears could tell which the longest day was, because it was obviously _real_ important to them.
a) Some sort of temple.
a) A really _big_ tomb. Hey, if the Pharaohs can do it, why not the Druids?
a) To align the energies of the Michael line.
a) To stop the Lord Of All Evil from escaping his prison. I saw the Yellow Emperor himself come over to Britain and commission it...
a) It's the screw that holds the world's arse on.
23) Do you play any Role-Playing Games?
a) Dungeons and Dragons leads to Satanism and suicide. I'm *way* too smart for that.
b) Oh boy, yes! I only stop playing Rifts to go to the toilet once a week!
c) Yeah, sure, I've played some role-playing games. Nowadays I read White Wolf, but I don't _play_.
d) I'm featured in Over The Edge...
e) I write role-playing games professionally, as a matter of fact.
f) Play??? Look bud, all my best magick was learnt from RPGs! Don't believe me? Watch, then as I fireball your cat! ***WHOOOOOSSSSSSHH*** **WHUMP** *MEEeeoooww......* HAHAHAHAHAAAAAA!
24) If you had a totem animal, what would it be? Choose one before proceeding.
a) Wolf, Bear, Eagle, Dolphin, Raven or Buffalo.
b) Spider, Dog, Monkey, Shark, Deer or Owl.
c) Any creature not mentioned in another option.
d) Any insect, or Cat.
e) Inanimate objects, foodstuffs or mythical creatures.
f) Papa Legba.
25) A typical thing that your parents would say to you is:
a) "Hello, dear, it's your mother. When are you bringing the kids round to see us again? I hope you're eating properly... I've been so tired recently."
b) "TURN THAT BLOODY NOISE DOWN!"
c) "Mph. Snrph. Wassup? Uh? Its 2am, forgodsake!"
d) Told to you only by mediums, 'cos they're no longer alive.
e) "It's who?"
f) "Cut the red wire. _RED_. NO!! The _OTHER_ Red. Ohshit."
26) What did you last eat?
a) A nice pork chop, with some boiled potato and cabbage.
b) Lentil stew with wok-fried bean sprouts and a glass of holistic carrot extract.
c) A portion of chips.
d) A pizza that was delivered to your door by a jumpy delivery guy.
e) Some wafers made of a mixture of your own blood, your dog's sexual fluids, burnt parchment and oatmeal bran.
f) Somalia.
27) Parallel Dimensions are:
a) Some more strange crap you've made up, right?
b) Proven true by Quantum Mechanics.
f) Look, this is just tedious. They're not capturing my imagination enough to be amusing about. I should delete the question, but I can't be bothered to find another one. I've stumbled into several parallel dimensions in my time -- you switch back when you go to sleep -- and most of them have been pretty tame, a switched sign here or a person there. The Genghis Khan variant, in which the Mongol Hordes swarmed Rome and set up Europe, is pretty wild -- really hi-tech, surprisingly -- and, by God, don't get me started about the whole Graham 99 stuff, but you either believe me or you don't. Scoring is easy. If you trust me on this (and it really is *odd* watching a traffic light change shape in front of you when you're not on drugs and not getting a flashback), that's worth 5 points. If you don't believe me, screw you, you're stuck with 0 or 1 points depending on how you feel about Quantum Mechanics. So there. Ha. I feel better already.
28) I'm going to say "The Illuminatus! Trilogy" to you.
a) ...and I'm going to say "Shut it, tosser" to you.
b) Oh, that old Yarn by Wilson, right?
c) I read the Illuminatus once. It was funny.
d) I've read the Illuminatus many, many times. It contains the secrets of the universe, if you look hard enough.
e) I own a printed & bound copy of the Principia.
f) I'll see you under the Plaza on May 23.
29) How Old are you?
a) 40-something.
b) Don't you know it's rude to ask a lady her age?
c) 13-19.
d) It has been fourteen months since I was found worthy of receiving the herons.
e) The Circle is beyond time. It rose in the first moments that mankind worked the forces of nature, and stretches across history. We are immortal, ageless, loosely anchored in history and chronology. We are Old in the fight against the Dark, that much is true... but do not seek to label us.
f) 3.
30) Do you see auras?
a) What are they?
b) No.
c) I tried once or twice, but had no luck.
d) Perhaps... after 30 minutes naked, alone in a dark room...
e) Yes.
f) That depends. I had a real mean aura in here once, it chewed up half the place, and I had to replace the sofa too. How much is it offering? Is it house-trained?
31) What are you owed at the moment?
a) A beer or two and my week's pay, but that's the way it always is.
b) With six maxxed credit cards, an overdraft, three store cards, a Time Life "Metal Masters" music program account and a nasty little gambling habit I picked up in Morocco, being _owed_ stuff is just this vague dream I have...
c) Final payments on half a dozen contracts, maybe 10K in total?
d) $25 million, a fast helicopter and no funny business, or else the Enigma Machine gets it, for I am The Master! Mwahahaha!
e) 14 souls (one slightly tarnished), 6 newborns, two herds of prime black bulls, and a McHappy Meal. What? Hey, she drove a hard bargain for a 6yr old. Hey, laugh it up, furball...
f) Another turn.
32) If you are going to program a computer, what language do you use?
a) Oh, I don't program computers... I use Windows.
b) SQL.
c) Foul language.
d) Binary, cut direct to disk with a sector editor.
e) Braille.
f) Enochian.
33) Vampires...
a) Represent the repressed sexuality of the Victorian era, strongly eroticising carnal behaviour but having to sublimate it as something fatal in order to kowtow to the mores of the time.
b) Are literary bogeymen that Dracula made popular.
c) Can be subdivided into Clans, some of which seek to keep a low profile to minimize danger from the masses of humanity, while others are less concerned.
d) Suck. Big time.
e) Crop up all over the world in a suspiciously uniform manner, which seems a hell of a coincidence really, if you stop to think about it for a bit...
f) Really get stuck in between your teeth. They repeat on you for hours, too. I try to avoid them.
34) Let us suppose that you have a long-lost great-aunt, who dies and leaves you something in her will. What would it be?
a) Ten Million Dollars.
b) A nice house, say 30-40K, some furniture.
c) A cat.
d) A crumbling old gothic mansion, miles from anywhere, served by a single elderly retainer, just as crumbly. As you drive through the obligatory little village to take possession, all the locals stare at you with a mixture of fear, hope and pity, but all you can think of is the wonderful party you're going to have there at the next full moon with all your Sorority sisters from the Campus.
e) A mysterious old envelope, containing three sheets that look suspiciously like an ancient map...
f) A peculiar brass casket, sealed with wax and covered with odd hieroglyphs and symbols. Despite repeated urgings, you put it in the attic, unopened, and never touch it again. The matter is never mentioned again, save for a strange new addition to your will that your lawyer receives a short time later.
35) When you stay in a hotel, the person in the room next to you:
a) Remains a total mystery. There's no way _I'm_ going to go and introduce myself to some total stranger.
b) Is usually on business too.
c) Demands a transfer to a different room within about 15 minutes.
d) Can't get to sleep because of the noise, so comes round to help turn your threesome into a foursome. Yeeha!
e) Seems determined to complete the full six hours of a determined three-fold invocation of the forces of Wild, as embodied by the Hymn to Pan. That's fine; the bit _you_ can't get is how he managed to smuggle an entire crate of swans and an angle-grinder into his room without the receptionist saying anything.
f) Keeps talking intently about a blockage at Head Office...
36) How would you describe your character?
a) Oh, y'know, I'm nice... pretty normal, I guess.
b) I'm weird. Eh? No, I don't have an example. I just _am_, 'kay?
c) A Level 5 Elven Fighter/Thief (l3/l2). His sword is the token of chiefdom of his tribe, which was wiped out by marauding undead under the control of the Necromancer of Gorn, who
d) If you want a quick summary, check out p233-238 of "Applied Psychology".
e) She is a moral and upstanding citizen who in all the years I have known her could never stoop to the sort of antisocial actions of which she is accused.
f) Pickman autobus encounter meets devourer tentacle...
37) Do you believe in ghosts?
a) No.
b) I'm not sure. I've seen some fairly odd stuff.
c) Yes.
d) Believe? Hey look pal, I only ever date ghosts. They're great in bed, they've got appearance down to a tee, and they're not interested in all that "romantic dinner and expensive wine" crap, either.
e) Only if they believe in me too. I've done that whole 'giving support and not asking for anything back' thing before, and frankly it never works.
f) That's a rather ironic question... More to the point, do you?
38) What work of Aleistair Crowley's did you find most illuminating?
a) Who?
b) Oh, well, actually, I haven't read any of his stuff yet, but I will do one day.
c) Diary of a Drug Fiend.
d) Magick in Theory and in Practice.
e) Liber 777.
f) The Book of Lies.
39) Congratulations! Tomorrow is your 11th birthday! What are you expecting?
a) A bike.
b) A kitten.
c) Yet another beating.
d) A long, delicious day being lovingly bathed, massaged, oiled and fellated by a clutch of nubile virgins before being burnt to death at sunset in a giant wicker goose. _Again_.
e) That tonight will be bad, and tomorrow will be beyond imagining... that and a curious iron circle, quartered by a cross.
f) Oblivion.
40) What do you like on your pizza?
a) Oh, I don't really eat pizza much.
b) Ham and mushroom.
c) Extra olives.
d) Another pizza.
e) High-grade gloss wood varnish. It stops the toppings getting wet in bad weather.
f) Sex. It's gotta be a big pizza though, or else you're in danger of falling off when things get intense...
Right, that's the end of the questions. Now, add up your scores...
How did you do?
0-10 - Mmm. You're normal. You're so straight, you even think in lines. In fact, anyone this normal would have never bothered reading this post, so if you're reading this, you're either curious, stupid, or very, very silly. This level of person is dullsville.
11-40 - Well, you've heard the call of the strange out there, roaming the plains of life. You haven't answered, but at least you didn't assume it was indigestion. This level of score indicates a person who is probably more normal, to be fair, than someone who got 0. If you only got a few pts, be *very* careful -- its all downhill from here!
41-80 - You're fairly odd. Your normal friends describe you as weird, and you take it as a compliment. You probably wear black, so as to make a point, and you slightly worry the people who still remember World War I. You are likely to be interested in strange things, but you never seem to manage to get to grips with them.
81-120 - Definitely a bit on the wild side. You are probably a student of paranormal matters. People who get to know you are often surprised that you aren't as straight as they first thought. Your last girl/boyfriend was scared for 3 weeks after splitting with you, _just_in_case_. You intimidate petty authority figures, such as interviewers, bus conductors and moral rights campaigners.
121-160 - You are undoubtedly odd. You worry your family, and you no longer have any normal friends. When you go on holiday, you chose places like Transylvania, the Sonora desert, McMurdo Sound and the Amazonian rain forest. You mutter and mumble to yourself in times of stress, and you try not to open your wardrobe too often, in case something comes through...
161-190 - You, my friend, are either several bats short of a belfry, or a dedicated, trained occultist. If there is a difference. Plants wither in your presence, children run away yelping, dogs run away yelping, even chicken run away yelping, for god's sake. You live in a different world to the rest of the planet, and you like it there. Definitely, unashamedly weird.
191-200 - You are so bizarre that I'm surprised you managed to read this quiz, let alone complete it. Talking to you is rather like trying to carry a basket of live turkeys up the side of the Empire States Building in a gale - very hard, extremely dangerous, full of 'gobble-gobble-gobble' noises, and covered in feathers. The last time you stopped long enough to observe the rest of humanity, someone slapped a parking fine on you. You wouldn't know a tax return unless it came up to you and introduced itself to you by clan. Most of the time, they do.
