![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
gridloreToday marks my sixth anniversary of suffering a Transient Ischemic Attack, or in simpler terms, my stroke. It was also around this time 24 years ago that I was diagnosed with Stage IV-B Hodgkin's Lymphoma. In between those two, there were countless other battles - multiple cases of pneumonia, H1N1 influenza, infections, the peripheral neuropathy - so many life-altering and life-threatening events.
My health has cost me careers, kept me from enjoying life, and left me with PTSD and depression. But I endure. I really had no other choice, as those damn drill sergeants in my head refuse to let me quit. I have to fight! The Sharks haven't won the Stanley Cup yet!
But it's always odd when people tell me how brave I am. Because bravery is overcoming fear to face something when you have the option of running the other direction. I've never had a choice from the moment I had my first seizure on that SamTrans bus through to today when I saw my Hemo-Oncologist for the bi-annual check-up. I live in this failing mess of a body, I have no options but fight or die. Given my views on the possibilities of an afterlife, death is not a viable option.
So it's not bravery, but rather grim necessity, that keeps me going. I swallow all my pills, work to keep my body in the best shape I can, and do all this knowing that I am ultimately fighting a battle I will eventually lose. I will die, and odds are everything that makes me me will dissolve as my brain shuts down.
Or I could end up in Valhalla. They need snipers, right? If there is a God, and I come before him, I will accept my judgment so long as I get one question answered. What the fuck was up with Game 6 of the 2002 World Series?
Who knows? But as I mark this dual anniversary, rest assured I am not planning on giving up the fight yet. After all, Slayer is playing here in December!
My health has cost me careers, kept me from enjoying life, and left me with PTSD and depression. But I endure. I really had no other choice, as those damn drill sergeants in my head refuse to let me quit. I have to fight! The Sharks haven't won the Stanley Cup yet!
But it's always odd when people tell me how brave I am. Because bravery is overcoming fear to face something when you have the option of running the other direction. I've never had a choice from the moment I had my first seizure on that SamTrans bus through to today when I saw my Hemo-Oncologist for the bi-annual check-up. I live in this failing mess of a body, I have no options but fight or die. Given my views on the possibilities of an afterlife, death is not a viable option.
So it's not bravery, but rather grim necessity, that keeps me going. I swallow all my pills, work to keep my body in the best shape I can, and do all this knowing that I am ultimately fighting a battle I will eventually lose. I will die, and odds are everything that makes me me will dissolve as my brain shuts down.
Or I could end up in Valhalla. They need snipers, right? If there is a God, and I come before him, I will accept my judgment so long as I get one question answered. What the fuck was up with Game 6 of the 2002 World Series?
Who knows? But as I mark this dual anniversary, rest assured I am not planning on giving up the fight yet. After all, Slayer is playing here in December!
I have a somewhat different definition of bravery
Date: 1 Aug 2019 04:15 (UTC)By that definition, you ARE brave - one of the bravest people I know.
no subject
Date: 1 Aug 2019 12:59 (UTC)