No Sir, you can't do that...
Jan. 14th, 2003 02:46 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
gridloreOver on the Traveller Mailing List, a thread went off-topic shock! and led to a list of things ![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
ataniell93 would not be allowed to do as President. It seems like fun. Most of these are things I might actually try, given the chance.
100 things that Doug is not allowed to do as President of the United States:
100. Cannot attack the French because "I just felt like it."
99. Cannot claim First Night rights with newlywed maidens; even in the District of Columbia.
98. Calling members if the Secret Service Presidential Protection Unit "Men in Black" is bad.
97. State dinners are *not* handled by ordering lots of pizza.
96. Opening day of the baseball season is not a national holiday.
95. Neither is the opening of NFL training camps.
94. Am not allowed to call the owner of the team that beat the Niners or Giants in the championship and complain about officiating or about their inflated payrolls.
93. Cannot give the Air Force back to the Army.
92. I should not ask the general who commands the Air Force if he ever considered a career in the military.
91. While it is my power to end the ban on homosexuals serving, I cannot order that the Navy must accept no one but homosexuals.
90. The brave men and women of the Coast Guard who do drug interdiction work are to be referred to with respect, not as "the toughest pirates ever to sail the Spanish Main!"
89. I cannot give Texas to Mexico. Nor can I auction off Los Angeles on Ebay.
88. It would be improper for me to make fun of Canada.
87. I cannot change the US standards for measurements to conform to the length of my various body parts.
86. They are governors, not "my loyal nobles of the realm."
85. I was elected by the Electoral College, not "anointed by God."
84. The National Guard does not train by invading neighboring states, and I cannot order them to do so.
83. When the Catholic Church has a scandal, I can not send the FBI to "bring me the head of this troublesome priest."
82. Cannot replace the Marine Band with Metallica.
81. Cannot have Garry Trudeau shot.
80. Coming out in support of a statue of General Sherman in Atlanta would hurt my polling numbers in the South.
79. Air Force One cannot "strafe the peasants."
78. During difficult trade negotiations with the Japanese, am not allowed to shout "I guess two nukes weren't enough, huh?"
77. Cannot play Frank'n'Furter in Alexandria, VA Rocky Horror cast, even if I have a complete costume.
76. Not allowed to name anything after the Emperor Norton.
75. Interns are there to work for staffers, and learn the details of government. They are not there to scatter rose petals in my path.
74. The proper dress for the State of the Union address is a conservative suit, not a purple toga.
73. Likewise, the proper way to begin the address is "my fellow Americans," not "Attention insignificant worms, your lord and master speaks!"
72. Just because you've walked across the ground does not mean the nation has surrendered to us.
71. Must not call Her Majesty the Queen of England "Beth", "Liz" or "you old relic of an outdated elitist system!"
70. I cannot knight people, especially the pizza guy who got her through rush-hour traffic in like 15 minutes.
69. Must not hit up porn producers for free tapes in return for political favors.
68. Cannot appoint George Clinton as Secretary of Partying.
67. Dosing the White House press corps coffee half an hour before a press conference is bad.
66. Dosing myself in the same situation is much, much worse.
65. Must appoint adult humans to ambassadorships. No more chipmunks to Gambia!
64. Cannot order Starbucks seized and closed as a threat to National Security.
63. Not allowed to serenade Mexican ambassador with my version of "El Paso" anymore.
62. Cannot change national anthem to "U.S. Blues."
61. Cannot make a nationally televised speech to the nation in which go on for forty minutes about this great Dead tape that I got in the mail.
60. If I die while in office, my Cabinet will not be interred with me to serve me in the afterlife.
59. Neither am I entitled to a massive pyramid.
58. Cannot look into Vice-President's office every day and laugh at him.
57. Also cannot pretend to forget Veep's name in social situations.
56. My proper title is "Mr. President," not "Your Holiness."
55. I can throw out the ceremonial first pitch to open the season. I cannot pitch the next three innings, even if I have a no-hitter going.
54. Not allowed to bet on wars.
53. Hitting on the wives and daughters of Saudi princes - bad idea.
52. Cannot name high-school counselors who told me that I was "going nowhere" as suspected terrorists.
51. Taking a four month break to follow Phish on tour is a bad thing for the nation.
50. The Dave Matthews Band is not an improvement.
49. Going to Burning Man and painting myself blue would be seen as odd behavior from the Chief Executive.
49. Cannot apply to be on Survivor.
48. Or Big Brother. Especially Big Brother!
47. As end of term nears, I cannot answer questions about my future plans with "I'm going to Disneyland!"
46. The CIA will not fix the World Series.
45. Cannot order Cabinet members to go stand in the corner of the Oval Office, then giggle when they realize there are no corners.
44. Merciless Imperialism is not a good foreign policy.
42. The United States Marine Corps gets excellent training, so they do not need to attack Central America to keep in shape.
41. I cannot raise the dead.
40. Posting to alt.conspiracy and admitting to everything is only going to make things worse.
39. Posting to alt.sex.fetish.hellokitty is just asking for trouble.
38. Cannot answer policy questions from the press by saying "let me check with my Jewish masters."
37. When entering National Cathedral, I am not allowed to shriek at the cross and pretend to be in intense pain until removed from the building.
36. Cannot offer to give nation back to England.
35. Cannot point out to residents of the projects that I live in government housing too.
34. Cannot sell timeshares in Camp David.
33. My proper successor if I die is the Vice-President, not my eldest child.
32. The proper title for my child is the First Son (or Daughter) not Crown Prince (or Princess)
31. Cannot tax people by taking their firstborn child.
30. Nuclear weapons are our weapon of last resort, not a "pretty damn good way of saying hello."
29. There is no such job on the Presidential staff as "staff Ninja."
28. Cannot order Marines to carry cutlasses into battle.
27. The 3rd Infantry of the US Army is not the "Emperor's Guard."
26. Must not yell "turn it up!" at Marine Silent Drill Team.
25. Cannot visit aircraft carriers and tell captain that I want to water ski.
24. Just being Commander-in-Chief does not make me qualified to fly F-14s.
23. Cannot order people to be brought before me in chains.
22. Cannot order a manned mission to Mars so that I can "make contact with my true people."
21. FEMA cannot sacrifice virgins to stop volcanic eruptions in Hawaii. Stop asking.
20. I cannot tear down the White House in favor of something a little more modern.
19. "They creep me out" is not an excuse for destroying the portraits of past Presidents.
18. Federal executions are done by lethal injection, not by a guillotine on the south lawn.
17. Cannot appoint Ozzy Osbourne as ambassador to Great Britain. Or Sharon.
16. My fellow Americans do not want to see the scar.
15. Not allowed to do "demon-horns," "hang loose," or "love you" hand signs at the end of Presidential addresses.
14. Also forbidden from using Dr. Evil "quotation marks" with my fingers when discussing technical items.
13. Not allowed to grade briefing papers for grammar and spelling.
12. When a staffer leaves the White House, we express sadness at his departure. We do not say "that bastard squeaked out two seconds ahead of the boot!"
11. Must actually appoint a Secretary of Commerce, even though nobody knows what his job is, really.
10. Cannot guest-host Saturday Night Live.
9. No web cams in the Oval Office!
8. Cannot appoint actors from "Law & Order" to the Supreme Court.
7. The proper salute in the US military is done by bringing the right hand up to the brim of the hat. It does not consist of thumping the chest and shouting "Hail Caesar!"
6. I am not allowed to keep a tip jar on my desk.
5. My "personal papers" will not include four years worth of Hustler.
4. At the end of my term, I will leave with dignity. I will not hole up in the Lincoln bedroom with an arsenal and demand a recount until I win.
3. When signing bills into law, I am not allowed to sing "I'm just a Bill"
2. In my efforts to encourage religious tolerance, I will not celebrate the solstice by burning the National Christmas Tree and dancing around it skyclad.
And the number one thing Doug is not allowed to do when he becomes President:
1. Declare myself the Messiah.
ataniell93 would not be allowed to do as President. It seems like fun. Most of these are things I might actually try, given the chance.100 things that Doug is not allowed to do as President of the United States:
100. Cannot attack the French because "I just felt like it."
99. Cannot claim First Night rights with newlywed maidens; even in the District of Columbia.
98. Calling members if the Secret Service Presidential Protection Unit "Men in Black" is bad.
97. State dinners are *not* handled by ordering lots of pizza.
96. Opening day of the baseball season is not a national holiday.
95. Neither is the opening of NFL training camps.
94. Am not allowed to call the owner of the team that beat the Niners or Giants in the championship and complain about officiating or about their inflated payrolls.
93. Cannot give the Air Force back to the Army.
92. I should not ask the general who commands the Air Force if he ever considered a career in the military.
91. While it is my power to end the ban on homosexuals serving, I cannot order that the Navy must accept no one but homosexuals.
90. The brave men and women of the Coast Guard who do drug interdiction work are to be referred to with respect, not as "the toughest pirates ever to sail the Spanish Main!"
89. I cannot give Texas to Mexico. Nor can I auction off Los Angeles on Ebay.
88. It would be improper for me to make fun of Canada.
87. I cannot change the US standards for measurements to conform to the length of my various body parts.
86. They are governors, not "my loyal nobles of the realm."
85. I was elected by the Electoral College, not "anointed by God."
84. The National Guard does not train by invading neighboring states, and I cannot order them to do so.
83. When the Catholic Church has a scandal, I can not send the FBI to "bring me the head of this troublesome priest."
82. Cannot replace the Marine Band with Metallica.
81. Cannot have Garry Trudeau shot.
80. Coming out in support of a statue of General Sherman in Atlanta would hurt my polling numbers in the South.
79. Air Force One cannot "strafe the peasants."
78. During difficult trade negotiations with the Japanese, am not allowed to shout "I guess two nukes weren't enough, huh?"
77. Cannot play Frank'n'Furter in Alexandria, VA Rocky Horror cast, even if I have a complete costume.
76. Not allowed to name anything after the Emperor Norton.
75. Interns are there to work for staffers, and learn the details of government. They are not there to scatter rose petals in my path.
74. The proper dress for the State of the Union address is a conservative suit, not a purple toga.
73. Likewise, the proper way to begin the address is "my fellow Americans," not "Attention insignificant worms, your lord and master speaks!"
72. Just because you've walked across the ground does not mean the nation has surrendered to us.
71. Must not call Her Majesty the Queen of England "Beth", "Liz" or "you old relic of an outdated elitist system!"
70. I cannot knight people, especially the pizza guy who got her through rush-hour traffic in like 15 minutes.
69. Must not hit up porn producers for free tapes in return for political favors.
68. Cannot appoint George Clinton as Secretary of Partying.
67. Dosing the White House press corps coffee half an hour before a press conference is bad.
66. Dosing myself in the same situation is much, much worse.
65. Must appoint adult humans to ambassadorships. No more chipmunks to Gambia!
64. Cannot order Starbucks seized and closed as a threat to National Security.
63. Not allowed to serenade Mexican ambassador with my version of "El Paso" anymore.
62. Cannot change national anthem to "U.S. Blues."
61. Cannot make a nationally televised speech to the nation in which go on for forty minutes about this great Dead tape that I got in the mail.
60. If I die while in office, my Cabinet will not be interred with me to serve me in the afterlife.
59. Neither am I entitled to a massive pyramid.
58. Cannot look into Vice-President's office every day and laugh at him.
57. Also cannot pretend to forget Veep's name in social situations.
56. My proper title is "Mr. President," not "Your Holiness."
55. I can throw out the ceremonial first pitch to open the season. I cannot pitch the next three innings, even if I have a no-hitter going.
54. Not allowed to bet on wars.
53. Hitting on the wives and daughters of Saudi princes - bad idea.
52. Cannot name high-school counselors who told me that I was "going nowhere" as suspected terrorists.
51. Taking a four month break to follow Phish on tour is a bad thing for the nation.
50. The Dave Matthews Band is not an improvement.
49. Going to Burning Man and painting myself blue would be seen as odd behavior from the Chief Executive.
49. Cannot apply to be on Survivor.
48. Or Big Brother. Especially Big Brother!
47. As end of term nears, I cannot answer questions about my future plans with "I'm going to Disneyland!"
46. The CIA will not fix the World Series.
45. Cannot order Cabinet members to go stand in the corner of the Oval Office, then giggle when they realize there are no corners.
44. Merciless Imperialism is not a good foreign policy.
42. The United States Marine Corps gets excellent training, so they do not need to attack Central America to keep in shape.
41. I cannot raise the dead.
40. Posting to alt.conspiracy and admitting to everything is only going to make things worse.
39. Posting to alt.sex.fetish.hellokitty is just asking for trouble.
38. Cannot answer policy questions from the press by saying "let me check with my Jewish masters."
37. When entering National Cathedral, I am not allowed to shriek at the cross and pretend to be in intense pain until removed from the building.
36. Cannot offer to give nation back to England.
35. Cannot point out to residents of the projects that I live in government housing too.
34. Cannot sell timeshares in Camp David.
33. My proper successor if I die is the Vice-President, not my eldest child.
32. The proper title for my child is the First Son (or Daughter) not Crown Prince (or Princess)
31. Cannot tax people by taking their firstborn child.
30. Nuclear weapons are our weapon of last resort, not a "pretty damn good way of saying hello."
29. There is no such job on the Presidential staff as "staff Ninja."
28. Cannot order Marines to carry cutlasses into battle.
27. The 3rd Infantry of the US Army is not the "Emperor's Guard."
26. Must not yell "turn it up!" at Marine Silent Drill Team.
25. Cannot visit aircraft carriers and tell captain that I want to water ski.
24. Just being Commander-in-Chief does not make me qualified to fly F-14s.
23. Cannot order people to be brought before me in chains.
22. Cannot order a manned mission to Mars so that I can "make contact with my true people."
21. FEMA cannot sacrifice virgins to stop volcanic eruptions in Hawaii. Stop asking.
20. I cannot tear down the White House in favor of something a little more modern.
19. "They creep me out" is not an excuse for destroying the portraits of past Presidents.
18. Federal executions are done by lethal injection, not by a guillotine on the south lawn.
17. Cannot appoint Ozzy Osbourne as ambassador to Great Britain. Or Sharon.
16. My fellow Americans do not want to see the scar.
15. Not allowed to do "demon-horns," "hang loose," or "love you" hand signs at the end of Presidential addresses.
14. Also forbidden from using Dr. Evil "quotation marks" with my fingers when discussing technical items.
13. Not allowed to grade briefing papers for grammar and spelling.
12. When a staffer leaves the White House, we express sadness at his departure. We do not say "that bastard squeaked out two seconds ahead of the boot!"
11. Must actually appoint a Secretary of Commerce, even though nobody knows what his job is, really.
10. Cannot guest-host Saturday Night Live.
9. No web cams in the Oval Office!
8. Cannot appoint actors from "Law & Order" to the Supreme Court.
7. The proper salute in the US military is done by bringing the right hand up to the brim of the hat. It does not consist of thumping the chest and shouting "Hail Caesar!"
6. I am not allowed to keep a tip jar on my desk.
5. My "personal papers" will not include four years worth of Hustler.
4. At the end of my term, I will leave with dignity. I will not hole up in the Lincoln bedroom with an arsenal and demand a recount until I win.
3. When signing bills into law, I am not allowed to sing "I'm just a Bill"
2. In my efforts to encourage religious tolerance, I will not celebrate the solstice by burning the National Christmas Tree and dancing around it skyclad.
And the number one thing Doug is not allowed to do when he becomes President:
1. Declare myself the Messiah.
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
no subject
Date: 14 Jan 2003 15:45 (UTC)[sarcasm]
Heh... I don't think the Shrub saw that memo.
[/sarcasm]
no subject
Date: 14 Jan 2003 16:37 (UTC)But...but...aw, dammit.
*pout*
Gesi
no subject
Date: 14 Jan 2003 19:08 (UTC)And actually, you COULD appoint the Osbournes to Ambassadorial positions... it just probably wouldn't be a good idea. Maybe England wouldn't be a bad idea, though. I hear the Queen really liked his performance at her last birthday gig.
Ya Ozzie !
You should see the viewing figures for The Osbournes...
no subject
Date: 14 Jan 2003 20:27 (UTC)no subject
Date: 14 Jan 2003 23:27 (UTC)-kat
no subject
Date: 15 Jan 2003 12:30 (UTC)I have a Bill stamp on my altar. It stamps "There otta be a law" :) Bill kicks ass.
no subject
I can't? Why not? You're MEAN!
no subject
Date: 16 Jan 2003 11:52 (UTC)27. The 3rd Infantry of the US Army is not the "Emperor's Guard."
I'm fairly confident that it will be within the next dozen years or so.
But then, I'm a pessimist.