So, Tokugawa walks into a bar...
Jan. 19th, 2010 09:30 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
gridloreBeing me, I enjoy constructing little scenes as I'm playing Civ IV. The following comes from yesterday's game. I was playing Byzantium and at one point Tokugawa popped up asking for Japan to become my vassal. Since I was gearing up to attack Japan, I declined. That led to the following scene forming in my fevered brain.
Flavius Petrus Sabbatius Iustinianus (Justinian I to his friends) is humming a happy little tune as he tightens hex nuts on the wheel of a towering trebuchet. A page enters.
"Your Majesty, you have a visitor."
"Hm? Oh, show him in."
Tokugawa Ieyasu enters. He bows deeply.
"Greetings, O Luminous Ruler of the Byzantines! May your years be many, and forgive this intrusion on your time."
"Hey, Icky, what's up?"
Tokugawa starts to speak, but is interrupted by a column of troops marching by. They are clad in blue jackets, high hats, and carry long firearms over their shoulders.
"Those are new." Tokugawa says slowly, staring at the immaculate ranks tromping past.
"Yeah, we're calling them 'riflemen.' Experimental unit, probably won't pan out. So, how you been, man?"
Tokugawa shrugs. "Bit stressed actually. I have Alexander for a neighbor, and you know him. He actually told me that if he ever ran out of nations to conquer he'd sit down and cry. Emo little punk. I think he's a bit on the queer side of the fence as well. Bloody Greeks. Then there's Montezuma..."
Justinian holds up his hands. "Say no more. That guy is psychotic! One day it's 'I'll sacrifice ten thousand warriors in your honor', next day he's declaring war."
Tokugawa nods in vigorous agreement "Exactly! How do you create a consistent foreign policy when your neighbors are arguing whether to read the future in goat or chicken entrails? They're destabilizing the entire eastern half of the continent!"
Justinian ponders for a moment. "How about the Ottomans? We don't have much contact with them ourselves."
"As frightening as it sounds," Tokugawa says, rubbing his temples, "I prefer dealing with the lunatics. Mehmed makes and breaks trade agreements for no discernible reason. Seems like we're all getting along like old friends, then without warning he's expelled my ambassador and closed the borders. At least he isn't showing any signs of going on a random killing spree anytime soon."
Before Tokugawa can continue, a military aide runs in. "Ah, Your Majesty! Just wanted you to know that all mounted units have been issued their Stetsons and yellow kerchiefs. We've.." at that point the aide sees his monarch making frantic "shut up" motions behind Tokugawa's back. "Ah. My apologies, Your Majesty, Your Shogunness. I'll just be.. ah.. going." After sketching a quick salute, the flustered aide flees.
"Stetsons? What is a Stetson?" Tokugawa asked in a confused tone.
"It's a kind of hat." Justinian replied with a hint of annoyance in his voice.
"But why would your cataphracts need hats?"
"Parade. We're having a parade to celebrate a really successful haberdashery. Really amazing shop. Bought this tunic last Tuesday and they had all the alterations done while I waited. I think the hats are going to be a big thing. Look, I hate to rush you, but was there a reason for this visit?"
"Yes, yes there is." Tokugawa squares his shoulders, then goes to his knees before prostrating himself. "O Mighty Byzantium, Japan craves your protection and leadership in these troubled times. We willingly submit ourselves to your wise rule and accept your laws. Please, accept insignificant Japan as your vassal state." Tokugawa stands, wiping dirt and straw from his knees. "I'm certain there's a mountain of paperwork that goes along with this, but that's why we have bureaucracies, eh?"
"Oh, Ieyasu... I was afraid of something like this. I'll admit we've examined you as a potential vassal state, but honestly, you don't offer us anything we don't already have. And as you point out, your neighbors are on hair-trigger for war. We accept you as a vassal, and within ten years we're dragged into a conflict we have no interest in fighting. I'm having enough trouble keeping Brennus happy and clearing barbarians from the Western Islands. Our plate is simply full! And you know how it goes, we take you as a vassal and then I'm getting petitions from border cities to join your nation. I'm sorry, but the percentages just aren't there for us."
Tokugawa stares out the entrance of the workshop where another regiment of riflemen are marching past. "I was sort of expecting that, but had to try." He nods towards the riflemen. "'Experimental unit'?"
"It's a big experiment. Was there anything else?"
"No, I suppose not. Thank you for your time Justinian. I suppose we'll be seeing each other again some time." Tokugawa bows, and leaves the workshop.
Justinian sits on the trebuchet for a few minutes lost in thought, then walks over to a window. He watches as Tokugawa and his party ride out of the palace gates and turn towards the Eastern Road. As the riders pass out of sight, he smiles.
"Actually, Icky, you'll be seeing me a lot sooner than you expected."
I've made a few minor edits and changes.
Flavius Petrus Sabbatius Iustinianus (Justinian I to his friends) is humming a happy little tune as he tightens hex nuts on the wheel of a towering trebuchet. A page enters.
"Your Majesty, you have a visitor."
"Hm? Oh, show him in."
Tokugawa Ieyasu enters. He bows deeply.
"Greetings, O Luminous Ruler of the Byzantines! May your years be many, and forgive this intrusion on your time."
"Hey, Icky, what's up?"
Tokugawa starts to speak, but is interrupted by a column of troops marching by. They are clad in blue jackets, high hats, and carry long firearms over their shoulders.
"Those are new." Tokugawa says slowly, staring at the immaculate ranks tromping past.
"Yeah, we're calling them 'riflemen.' Experimental unit, probably won't pan out. So, how you been, man?"
Tokugawa shrugs. "Bit stressed actually. I have Alexander for a neighbor, and you know him. He actually told me that if he ever ran out of nations to conquer he'd sit down and cry. Emo little punk. I think he's a bit on the queer side of the fence as well. Bloody Greeks. Then there's Montezuma..."
Justinian holds up his hands. "Say no more. That guy is psychotic! One day it's 'I'll sacrifice ten thousand warriors in your honor', next day he's declaring war."
Tokugawa nods in vigorous agreement "Exactly! How do you create a consistent foreign policy when your neighbors are arguing whether to read the future in goat or chicken entrails? They're destabilizing the entire eastern half of the continent!"
Justinian ponders for a moment. "How about the Ottomans? We don't have much contact with them ourselves."
"As frightening as it sounds," Tokugawa says, rubbing his temples, "I prefer dealing with the lunatics. Mehmed makes and breaks trade agreements for no discernible reason. Seems like we're all getting along like old friends, then without warning he's expelled my ambassador and closed the borders. At least he isn't showing any signs of going on a random killing spree anytime soon."
Before Tokugawa can continue, a military aide runs in. "Ah, Your Majesty! Just wanted you to know that all mounted units have been issued their Stetsons and yellow kerchiefs. We've.." at that point the aide sees his monarch making frantic "shut up" motions behind Tokugawa's back. "Ah. My apologies, Your Majesty, Your Shogunness. I'll just be.. ah.. going." After sketching a quick salute, the flustered aide flees.
"Stetsons? What is a Stetson?" Tokugawa asked in a confused tone.
"It's a kind of hat." Justinian replied with a hint of annoyance in his voice.
"But why would your cataphracts need hats?"
"Parade. We're having a parade to celebrate a really successful haberdashery. Really amazing shop. Bought this tunic last Tuesday and they had all the alterations done while I waited. I think the hats are going to be a big thing. Look, I hate to rush you, but was there a reason for this visit?"
"Yes, yes there is." Tokugawa squares his shoulders, then goes to his knees before prostrating himself. "O Mighty Byzantium, Japan craves your protection and leadership in these troubled times. We willingly submit ourselves to your wise rule and accept your laws. Please, accept insignificant Japan as your vassal state." Tokugawa stands, wiping dirt and straw from his knees. "I'm certain there's a mountain of paperwork that goes along with this, but that's why we have bureaucracies, eh?"
"Oh, Ieyasu... I was afraid of something like this. I'll admit we've examined you as a potential vassal state, but honestly, you don't offer us anything we don't already have. And as you point out, your neighbors are on hair-trigger for war. We accept you as a vassal, and within ten years we're dragged into a conflict we have no interest in fighting. I'm having enough trouble keeping Brennus happy and clearing barbarians from the Western Islands. Our plate is simply full! And you know how it goes, we take you as a vassal and then I'm getting petitions from border cities to join your nation. I'm sorry, but the percentages just aren't there for us."
Tokugawa stares out the entrance of the workshop where another regiment of riflemen are marching past. "I was sort of expecting that, but had to try." He nods towards the riflemen. "'Experimental unit'?"
"It's a big experiment. Was there anything else?"
"No, I suppose not. Thank you for your time Justinian. I suppose we'll be seeing each other again some time." Tokugawa bows, and leaves the workshop.
Justinian sits on the trebuchet for a few minutes lost in thought, then walks over to a window. He watches as Tokugawa and his party ride out of the palace gates and turn towards the Eastern Road. As the riders pass out of sight, he smiles.
"Actually, Icky, you'll be seeing me a lot sooner than you expected."
I've made a few minor edits and changes.
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