A long-delayed dream fulfilled.

[gridlore]

Today, 25 years after enlisting, I finally got to rip a 2nd Lieutenant a new asshole.

I had a delivery at Camp Parks. Anyone who has ever driven on any military installation knows that the road regulations are numerous and change every fifty feet. Since the RFTA Police have the charming habit of arresting people who speed, I was maintaining a steady crawl, five miles an hour below the limit.

As part of this job, weight restrictions have been lifted on two roads so we can get to the building under construction without driving through areas were troops are active during the day. This makes sense, since a regular stream of trucks would disrupt training. So I was driving up Mitchel Dr. past a helipad when a HUMVEE races up behind me, flashing his lights. I can see the passenger pointing to the curb, so I pull over.

Knowing how military posts work, I expected that I was being moved aside for something high priority. Like the Post Commander's pizza or something. Instead, a Signal Corps butter-bar leaps from the vehicle, runs up to my truck, and...



2LT:(screaming) "Are you an idiot? This road is restricted to 1 ton vehicles! I should have you arrested!"

Me:(amused, at best) "Sir, with all due respect.."

2LT: "You are in trouble!! This road is clearly marked! I've had it with civilians ignoring the regulations!"

At this point, I'm getting out of my truck. Seeing this, the HUMVEE driver, a SFC, gets out and walks up.

Me: "Excuse me, SIR. But, I have a pass allowing construction vehicles to pass over this road." Brandishes paper. "In fact, sir, I am restricted to these specific, marked routes. Since you aren't an MP, and aren't a Federal cop, I'm wondering where the fuck you get off pulling me over!"

2LT is speechless, SFC is grinning.

Me: "You know, Lieutenant, it's been a long freaking time since I wore the uniform, but I seem to recall that we were expected to be polite and respectful to civilians. We were to treat them with the same respect given to superior officers. I have to say I'm saddened to learn that your ROTC course failed to instill this in your sorry leg ass." (He wasn't wearing jump wings. SFC was a Master Blaster.)

2LT: "You better be careful.."

Me: "OK, call the cops. I want to register a complaint about you unlawfully detaining me. I'd also like the name of your commanding officer. He will be hearing from me about you shocking lack of military bearing and complete idiocy.

2LT: walks away. SFC gives me a card with the battalion commanders name and number, and his.

SFC: "Let me guess, combat arms?"

Me: "Follow me, Sergeant!"

I called the Light Bird while on lunch, and explained that somebody needed to reign in Lieutenant Gumby.

Damn, I've wanted to call a LT an idiot to his face since my first platoon leader, all those years ago...

Comments

[murphymom.livejournal.com]

Ah, yes - when Kirsten's dad was in the Army, they called those guys "shake 'n bakes" - or maybe they were "Whip 'n Chills" and the OCS turnouts were the S&Bs.

[bunyip.livejournal.com]

That's a great story. :)

[fragbert.livejournal.com]

OOO RAH!

[kengr]

I am greatly amused picturing the "conversation" the Lt. Col. will be having with the butter bar.

[capplor.livejournal.com]

I'm almost surprised that the fool didn't call for reinforcements, you are, after all, most obviously a dangerous & scary person.

[dalen-talas.livejournal.com]

I am speechless.

*applauds*

Did Butter Bars have a compass and a map on him?

Ironically

[capplor.livejournal.com]

I have a very similar story, about BEING a butterbar, and chewing out the base cop.

Re: Ironically

[rickvs.livejournal.com]

I'd ...like to hear that one, if you don't mind :>

Re: Ironically

[capplor.livejournal.com]

It was legitimately my job, line of duty & everything. I was one of 3 officers in an explosives research facility, and the colonel was usually off=site doing management stuff. The base cops, bomb-sniffing dog trainers, wanted to keep their samples with us, and be able to get at them at all hours, so we gave them a key with the understanding that during business hours they would not use it, but call and ask if we were doing anything that might blow up and kill them. Well, the airmen (low ranking) cops were apparently too impressed with their authority and never asked permission. The civilians didn't think they could properly impress the active duty soldier, so they grabbed the nearest officer to chew out the cops. Admittedly, I enjoyed the whole thing, a LOT.

[notthebuddha.livejournal.com]

Damn, I've wanted to call a LT an idiot to his face since my first platoon leader, all those years ago...

Validation sweetens with age, agreed the guy who waited 20 years for the university to come to him on his terms.

W00T!111111

[redc1c4.livejournal.com]

you missed a couple of stitches you could have taken him up on, but as a Bumblebee, that's to be expected.

can i make the run next time? tell your boss i'll drive up and do it for free, just to meet the LT. %-)

Re: W00T!111111

[gridlore.livejournal.com]

Do you really think there's going to be much left after his battalion six gets through with him?

[claidheamhmor]

That must have been *so* satisfying!

[izzylobo.livejournal.com]

heh heh...

"All things come to those who wait..."

[highglider.livejournal.com]

I am both highly entertained and viscerally envious!

[tsjafo.livejournal.com]

Beautiful! Satisfaction for you and a true learning experience for the young officer.

[jeffreyab.livejournal.com]

Good move!

What is a Master Blaster?

[netquiddler.livejournal.com]

Seconding the question.

[gridlore.livejournal.com]

An Army Master Parachutist (http://www.tioh.hqda.pentagon.mil/Badges/parachutists%20badges.htm). I have no idea where the slang originates, but the combined force of the aircraft's speed and backwash from the propellers/jets has been called the "blast" in the past.

[docwebster.livejournal.com]

You know, I'm reading this entry again all this time later and I find myself wondering whatever happened to Lieutenant Douchebag?