Follow these rules, and the Lombardi trophy will be yours!

[gridlore]

Scott Ostler is a football sage.

Keys to victory?

Got 'em right here. We have four football coaches in the Bay Area facing extreme football challenges this season, and two of the coaches are brand new to their teams.

For every coach before the season opener, the toughest task is distilling all the teaching, all the preparation down to a few pithy cliches they can impart to their players. So the following list is a public service. (I sent advance copies to Jeff Tedford and Jim Harbaugh.)

"Your Keys to Victory"

1. Take care of the football. (Store that sucker in a safe. If you lose the football, your offense can really bog down.)

2. Put points on the scoreboard early. (Open with big, daring plays. If they don't work, slip some cash to the scoreboard operator.)

3. Avoid costly penalties. (Really work on the snap count. And never declare the end zone a "home office" on your income tax.)

4. Establish the running game. (If that fails, establish the passing game. Plan C: Warm up bus.)

5. Take the crowd out of the game. (Unless you're home, in which case try to keep the crowd in the game at least until halftime, to goose beer sales.)

6. Dominate the clock. (Long drives tire the defense. Why long drives don't also tire the offense, I have no idea. Who do I look like, Isaac Newton?)

7. Pressure the quarterback. (Preferably before he throws or hands the football to a teammate.)

8. Convert third-down opportunities. (If you convert too many first- and second-down opportunities, you'll get a rep for not being an effective third-down team.)

9. On defense, bend but don't break. (One word: yoga.)

10. Take what the defense gives you. (Unless it's a communicable disease.)

11. Play physical football. (Pronounced "fizzkul.")

12. Make plays. (Lombardian, not Shakespearean.)

13. Execute! (Gesundheit!)

14. Focus. (The exact meaning of this one is fuzzy.)