More moody introspection. You have been warned.

[gridlore]

Health issues aside, I'm where I am in my life through my choices. I chose to blow off school. I chose to join the Army in a job with no direct civilian applications. I made the decision to do drugs, work dead-end jobs, and live only for the moment. I blame no one but myself. I can't even point my finger too seriously at my health. Yes, the cancer dumped me into a hole that I only just left behind; and I certainly still have health problems, but I cannot blame them for where I am right now.

Part of this is my frustration with the current situation. I'm sure I'll feel better once I'm back to work. But right now, I'm confronted by the reality of the lives kshandra and I lead, and I'm not happy. We've never had a real vacation. Hell, we've rarely had more than four months at a time without some sort of financial crisis. The only reason I've made the last few Baycons is because I've been a guest, and that's starting to gnaw on me because I haven't published anything recently.

This morning we caught the end of a travel show about Venice on KQED. I'd love to go there, even if most of the foodie goodness would be lost on me. I've dreamed of walking the beaches of Normandy, seeing the Bayreuth Festival, and (being a gaming geek) retracing the steps of the first four Twilight: 2000 adventures. Hell, I'd be happy just to make it to the Montreal Worldcon in 2009. I'd also love to show Kirsten some of the places I saw in the Army.

Part of the problem was we've been pretty much drifting without a rudder for years. Part of this can be blamed on my health; it's pretty hard to plan for the future when you don't know if you're going to be able to work next week, or next year, or ever again. I thought we were past that. Ha. If we had slightly more financial stability I'd go back to school and get an AA in some kind of office management thing. I have close to 15 years in the transportation industry as a driver and dispatcher.. I just need a piece of paper to get a management gig.

Assuming that I get back to work soon, Kiri has agreed to skip next year's Burning Man so we can go somewhere. Las Vegas for a week. A cruise. Anything but a science-fiction convention. Being the son of a travel agent, I know we need to book before the end of the year to get anything good. Oh, I'm going through an agent. They know the ins and outs, and can steer you to the best places. I might even go back to Travel Advisors. (I'm very amused by the fact that they have a website. My father would not approve.)

sigh We really need to win the lottery.

Hmmmm... West Valley College offers an Administrative Management course that you can take online.

Comments

[polydad.livejournal.com]

I'm about to get on a boat and go wander around on the Pacific for a few days; would you care to engage in a brainstorming session when I get back? I don't think paying your stupidity tax (lotto) is a really good way to go, facetious though you may have been when you made the suggestion.

best,

Joel

[badger2305.livejournal.com]

I feel very strongly for you. I'm in the midst of finishing my doctorate, but it seems a long distance off. I've had some lucky breaks, but the idea of simply having time off sounds heavenly, given where I am at.

But enough about me. Let me tell you a bit about my friend Mike.

Mike had Type I diabetes. He knew from his early teen years that he didn't have a lot of time. His sweetheart Elise told me once that he had gone to read the Merck Manual about his condition when he was a teen, and found out that he wasn't expected to live much past 30. A smart guy, VERY smart, he was actually a drop-out from college - finding the rat-race not to his taste.

So he went and wrote. In fact, he wrote a lot. And travelled, going to London, Europe and many other places. And racked up some really impressive debt. So much so that when I met him later, he was dodging creditors' phone calls much of the time.

His health wasn't the greatest. He eventually had his gall bladder removed (IIRC), listing me as next-of-kin (I was flabbergasted, but then found out he wasn't very close to his own family of birth). Then there was the eye surgery, the heart attacks, the peritoneal dialysis, and eventually the kidney replacement.

During this time, he was a steadfast friend, a sometime gamer, and a constant writer. And he found the love of his life, Elise. And he travelled some more, a goodly amount due to the generosity of his friends and a somewhat stabilized (but still very modest) income. Oh, and the state-sponsored insurance from the state of Minnesota. I can't say that the creditors went away, but they diminished and Mike has some breathing room. During that time, he introduced me to Darklands and a bunch of other games, spun away many a night in pleasant conversation and was always a good friend.

And he lived almost 20 years past that initial sentence of only 30. I'm not trying to tell you that conditions are bad all over, or that somebody had it worse. What I am trying to tell you is that Mike kept on living and loving despite knowing the odds; he kept getting to his feet even when life knocked him down.

(You may have some idea of who I'm talking about; if not, feel free to ask.)

And yeah, I miss Mike. You keep at it - that would be his advice.

[kshandra]

Yeah, we knew Mike, in passing at least (atrocious pun not intended...though something tells me he would've appreciated it). We gave away VEEDBACK ROAD CREW ribbons at our convention room party last month, based on one of Mike's RPG stories. I have two pair of elisem's Haiku Challenge earrings, acquired during her Great Railway Expotition a couple of years ago, and have an extra Veedback ribbon I still need to send her.

[badger2305.livejournal.com]

That's right. Mike knew LOTS of people (though you and Doug are obvious folks for him to have known. Blerg - should've realized that).

VEEDBACK ROAD CREW - hah! That's GREAT! And Elise would appreciate it - we started working together a long time ago at the MN Renaissance Festival, so she has a LONG familiarity of being "with the band."

[jeffreyab.livejournal.com]

The travel plan sounds like a good idea to me.

A good panelist is one who has something to say.

On that basis I would say you are an excellent panelist!

[drewkitty.livejournal.com]

>> The only reason I've made the last few Baycons is because I've been a guest, and that's starting to gnaw on me because I haven't published anything recently.

I have never been published, and I'm a guest.

1) Can you speak entertainingly and well?

2) Are you willing to serve the needs of the convention by using your mighty conversational skills in the service of fendom (if not good . . .) ?

You, sir, rock at both of these.

[todkaninchen.livejournal.com]

I think I'd think about starting the AA first...

...financial aid can be a wonderful thing and, in some circumstances, they'll give you money (grants and loans) to take classes overseas for a semester or so...

...even at the community college level (at least here).

Just a thought, eh?