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This is hard.
May. 25th, 2022 03:08 pmThis is really hard. I've struggled with it for weeks. But I've finally made my decision.
I need to get back into therapy, and this time, commit to it. Y'see I build walls faster than Pink Floyd. I have shut away so much so I can keep pretending that everything is fine. I can't do that anymore. As terrifying as it is, I need to find a therapist and find the courage somewhere to be honest. Because I want to write a novel. I want to not be scared of even trying anymore. I want to learn what having a friend means.
If that last one shocks you, know that I was diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder a few years back. I honestly don't understand friendship. I have trouble with social norms. I either take too much or retreat completely. At this point, I really don't think I have any friends, just people I know. I am so fucking lonely. Because I have no clue how all you zombies do all this!
But yeah, the novel. I want to write. People tell me my writing is good, but my depression tells me everything is shit. I had a depressive episode last year where I did the digital equivalent of throwing my papers in the fire. I deleted everything in a rage because I was sick of looking at it and being too cowardly to take the simple steps of submitting it to someone! I owe people articles, but I don't write them because my brain tells me that I can do it.
I'm tired. So goddamn tired.
So it's time to check my benefits and look into getting help. And in doing that, doing the hardest thing I've ever done.
Confront who I really am, with no walls, no defenses, no diversions. I'm scared shitless of what I'm going to find. But I have to do it because I simply can't go on this way.
I need to get back into therapy, and this time, commit to it. Y'see I build walls faster than Pink Floyd. I have shut away so much so I can keep pretending that everything is fine. I can't do that anymore. As terrifying as it is, I need to find a therapist and find the courage somewhere to be honest. Because I want to write a novel. I want to not be scared of even trying anymore. I want to learn what having a friend means.
If that last one shocks you, know that I was diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder a few years back. I honestly don't understand friendship. I have trouble with social norms. I either take too much or retreat completely. At this point, I really don't think I have any friends, just people I know. I am so fucking lonely. Because I have no clue how all you zombies do all this!
But yeah, the novel. I want to write. People tell me my writing is good, but my depression tells me everything is shit. I had a depressive episode last year where I did the digital equivalent of throwing my papers in the fire. I deleted everything in a rage because I was sick of looking at it and being too cowardly to take the simple steps of submitting it to someone! I owe people articles, but I don't write them because my brain tells me that I can do it.
I'm tired. So goddamn tired.
So it's time to check my benefits and look into getting help. And in doing that, doing the hardest thing I've ever done.
Confront who I really am, with no walls, no defenses, no diversions. I'm scared shitless of what I'm going to find. But I have to do it because I simply can't go on this way.
