This is why cops go on stress disability.

Dear Gods, I am sore. Sore, and exhausted, and still stressed. CPA Saturday stretches into Sunday, and, judging by my shoulder, well into next week. I knew going in that this was going to test the limits of my endurance, but my body is reminding me in so many ways that I am no longer a 19-year-old infantryman.

The sad thing is that when I was that young rifleman, I moaned and bitched about how sore and tired I was from the daily routine of serving. I recoil in horror when I remember what I used to consider a normal day's exertion. 65 push-ups in two minutes? Done! Oh, it's pissing down rain and we're doing a 15-mile forced road march with full gear? Bring it on! These days, I deserve a medal for getting both shoes on without needing a breather between right and left.

So yeah, getting old sucks, but it beats the alternative hands down. Spending a morning climbing in and out of police cars and taking part in scenarios was fun, but even with all the walking I do these days, it took a toll. Firing on the range in the afternoon was fun, but it had been a very long time since I fired anything, so there was a level of stress. I mean, I used to be very, very good at putting rounds downrange and into the center mass of the target.

But these were weapons that were mostly new to me, and the passing years had done a number on my eyes and put a lot of rust on my shooting instincts. I was embarrassed by how poorly I shot with the .38 revolver. I did better with the other weapons, but that UMD45 reminding my shoulder what recoil feels like. I still love it, though.

But what really got my brain twisted, and I'm still thinking about, it one scenario I did in traffic stops. The one where I ended up "shooting" a bad guy a second before she would have done the same to me.

Look, I know we were barely qualified to walk and chew gum in terms of real police work, but we had been briefed. The guy I partnered with and I had done tow successful traffic stops already. One potential DUI, and one lost, bickering couple. Then came our last call. The same black Chevy truck we had been pulling over all morning (it belonged to the police department after a drug bust) was reported as having been seen driving around a neighborhood in a suspicious manner.

My partner was driving and the contact officer. My role was as the cover officer. Here's where we began to fuck up by the numbers. When I exited the vehicle I forgot to turn my radio up. So I didn't hear dispatch report the truck as stolen out of Modesto. My partner, who had serious communication problems, never told me this was a felony stop, and since he wasn't that quick on the uptake, ignored this minor detail of a stolen vehicle with possibly armed suspects, and just started a normal traffic stop.

In my role as the cover officer, I stationed myself where I could see into the truck cab and watch the passenger and the driver. The passenger was fidgeting and her hands were all over the place. The driver was loudly berating my partner. Since he wasn't taking control, I did what I could. I repeatedly told the passenger to keep her hands in view and drew my pistol. I kept repeating the command to keep hands in sight. Meanwhile, my genius partner *asked* the driver to exit the vehicle.

Which is when I saw the gun he had been sitting on. I immediately called out "Gun! Gun! Gun!" and brought my pistol up and managed to shoot the passenger, who also had a gun in her hand, a fraction of a second before she got a bead on me. My partner was already dead.

Yeah, we screwed up on this being a felony stop, but as the training officer pointed out, this could be a stolen truck not yet reported. Or just two felons trying to get away. I got praise for my positioning, my scanning the scene, my use of voice commands, and my reaction to seeing the weapon. I honestly never even saw the passenger's gun until I had already "fired" two shots into her head from about eight inches away. Being properly placed as the cover officer meant she had to turn almost around and lean out to get a shot on me.

But this has been nagging at my brain. If this had been real, I would have killed this person in what was most assuredly a justified shooting. The only reason we were that close were mistakes, but mistakes happen. Real cops don't deal with fake guns and an officer shouting "scenario over" when things go sideways. Ever time an officer pulls over a car, they do so with no idea of what's waiting for them.

Yes, the is a problem with our over-militarized police and with cops shooting unarmed people. The reality of white nationalists infiltrating police departments has been known for years. But on the other hand, that cops wants to go home tonight. Officer safety is a prime concern.

There are no easy answers. Our competing desires for security and accountability result in law enforcement being placed in a tough place. Use of force will always be debated. But I can say that attending the Citizen Police Academy has really opened my eyes and given my a slew of data that I can use when evaluating the police actions that make the news.

But if you ever get pulled over? Stay in your car, stay calm, and keep your hands visible and don't make sudden moves. Let's all get home safe.