Unbelievable

[gridlore]

I am currently engaged in one of the strangest discussions I have ever seen on the ConJose mailing list, A newbie ask for advise on how to enjoy his first World Con, and the comments flowed into convention etiquette. I mentioned that some people (like me) dislike being hugged without warning, so please ask first.

So far, I've been told that I need to see a shrink, been accused in private mail of being psychopathic, and told that if this person sees me they will hug me, consequences be damned.

Why is it so bloody hard for people to realize and accept that I just do not like being touched? Why do I have to wear a button that says Ask Before Hugging? What does it say about fandom that there is a market for these buttons?

To be clear: I understand and accept inadvertent contact like you get in crowded elevators and queues. Being tapped on the shoulder in a noisy place, is okay. But unless I have invited any other form of contact, please do not assume that I want to hug you! I have very good reasons for this.

Christ, I may get a spiked jacket at this rate.

Comments

[sinboy.livejournal.com]

that if this person sees me they will hug me, consequences be damned.

They did know that you'd been given a nice education on how to kill people, right? And that coming up to someone and touching them ,after being told not to constitutes assault?

Sounds like a future nominee for a darwin award. Who is this yib-yob, so I can avoid them?

I'm with you

[(Anonymous)]

I'm with you on this one. It's pretty darn unreasonable to expect a person to enjoy unsolicited hugs by a stranger. I don't even have as good a reason as you had stated to dislike it, I'm just not a touchy feely person unless we're talking my spouse, a family member or a *close* long term friend. As long as the person has the manners to ask first and take a "no" for an answer there's not a problem. But, the people who don't ask?!? What are they thinking? Why and where do they get the idea that it's ok to do more than offer to shake a near stranger's hand? Would they offer hugs at work? School? A park or the mall?

[bunyip.livejournal.com]

Go, Doug!! These people are idiots, and your stance on unwanted contact is perfectly right.

[jemstone.livejournal.com]

First thing: You're a sociopath, not a psychopath. I do wish these people would get that RIGHT.
Second thing: I've known you for HOW long? And I have hugged you HOW many times? Three? I think? In all that time? Maybe? Hear me complaining? NO. Why? Because Doug says he would rather not. Ergo, Doug would rather not! I fail to see the problem.
Third thing: Spiked Jackets are too obvioius. Get a few dozen batteries, wire them into your jacket, and then run very thin filaments all over the outside of the jacket. How shocking. ;)

-JEM

[cleverthylacine]

Ack! I have been known to HURT people for trash like that. I especially hate being hugged by strangers and I have also been known to *scream*.

Actually, screaming is very effective, especially when followed by "He scared me! I don't know this person!" or "What are you some kind of internet stalker?"

I once got a guy thrown out of a party for unwanted hitting on me by screaming bloody murder when he touched me after I'd made it clear I didn't want to be touched.

[twfarlan.livejournal.com]

You know the one who said s/he will hug you, consequences be damned?
Get that in writing so s/he can't sue you when you slug him/her. "Yes, that is what I said, yes, I did say that I was going to do it no matter what, yes I understand that constitutes an acceptance of whatever happened as a result, yes I understand I don't have a legal leg to stand on for Doug bitch slapping me to the curb."

I don't get people who think that their feelings on a matter have to apply to everyone. Dammit, not everyone likes being touched, and yes "just because" is a valid reason, alongside all the other valid reasons like abuse survivor, post-traumatic stress disorder, etc. Some people need to learn that their way or the highway means THEY can hit the road.

[kath8562.livejournal.com]

Note: What the man used for his user pic on this one-
he's holding a gun in it. LARGE hint.

[todkaninchen.livejournal.com]

Bloody?

Queu?

By god, you aren't turning psychopath...

...You're becoming British!

The problem with people like you describe is that they have their ideals and they think they know what you need more than you do...

The difficulty in dealing with them is to get them to lay off without provoking them to "get you professional help"...

...Have you considered a sweater in an odd color that sheds everything coated with a liberal amount of pet hair?

(Oh, and just wait for the priest to show for your excorcism...)

[figmo.livejournal.com]

I've been watching the discussion and may yet chime in.

There is a very nice guy who really creeped me out by taking what I call "hug liberty" with me before I was ready to give it. I felt violated every time this guy hugged me.

Even though I now feel I know him well enough to hug him the thought of doing so still squicks me out because of that.

[thebitterguy]

Sounds like someone needs a hug!

Uh.. I mean... Fight the power! Yeah!

[lysana.livejournal.com]

I'm reasonably open to being hugged, but my walls go up when inappropriate kissing is introduced. Some of my reasons are akin to what I recall are some of yours (minus the military trappings), so I understand your problem above and beyond being what seems to be one of the only people of my fannish generation who remembers that social hugging is NOT the norm.

If I'm with people who like doing A-frame hugs in lieu of a handshake or simple nod and I'm good with it, fine. If the people I'm with aren't that touchy-feely, also fine. If it's a mixed group, I keep track of who takes what as best I can. It is plain and simple propriety. Or did I just use a filthy word?

[isomeme.livejournal.com]

Good for you! You see the same thing in the pagan/occult/whatever community, and it often feels aggressive (or at least invasive) to me. I hug and am hugged by people I care about. Sometimes, after a good ritual, "people I care about" will grow to encompass everyone present, but even then I make sure the hugee is feeling the same way.