gridlore | Deal with it.

Last night, Rose and I talked about a few things, especially my reactions of polyamory and how people might act at the callahan's annex. Today, I get an e-mail from my sister ranting at about the fact that I *dared* to talk about my personal life with my family!

Attention world! I am the following: a financial/military conservative, socially liberal, somewhat bi, cross-dressing veteran. I consider my marriage to Kirsten to be the single most important relationship in my life. I do not bed hop, and do not think that it is overly healthy, in either an emotional or physical sense. I prefer to actually care about and be interested in my partners.

I do not like being touched. I am constantly amazed by the number of people who seem to think that it is perfectly ok to just grab me two seconds after I meet them. I have known people who couldn't get this clue for years. Free Clue: If you meet me, expect a handshake at most.

I despise groups like PeTA and the Family Research Council equally. I find the world's religions good sources of ethical guidance, but the mythology attached ranges from the silly to the disturbing.

I am a patriot. I once swore to defend this nation and what it stands for with my life if necessary. I may be out of uniform, but as far as I am concerned, that oath stands.

I do not tolerate fools or whining. Take you dramas elsewhere. If you come to me whinging about some problem, I will attempt to find a solution to that problem. This, for some reason, shocks people. If you just want to complain about your life and not do anything about, talk to the mirror. Because I don't give a damn.

I believe that the majority of people living on San Francisco's streets are bums. Make them work for their *food*, not shelter, and you'd be amazed how fast they'd thin out.

I am a sports fan. I love sports. Baseball and football especially, but I'll watch just about anything. I also like mindless action movies. I don't get art films. They bore me. Speaking of art, I think modern art is the biggest fraud on the last 200 years. A painting or sculpture should look like something, even if it is an interpretation of the subject. Koko the Gorilla is a better painter than Jackson Pollack.

The Kinks are ten times the band the Beatles ever were. There has never been a Bob Dylan song that wasn't done better by someone else.

These are some of the things that make me me. I am not the typical SF Bay Area thirty-something geek. Don't expect me to be. If you don't like the person I am, go the fuck away and find something you like more. I am so damn happy to be alive and the way I am that I am not changing for any one. I've done enough of that.

It matters not how straight the gate
How charged with punishments the scroll
I am the master of my fate
The captain of my soul
- Invictus

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

Rose came to me with a problem about what happened when we were taking family photos at the birthday dinner. When then discussed my feelings about your relationship with Kirsten and my feelings about it vs. my dislike of being present for public displays of affection between the two of you. She mentioned to open nature of Callahanicon, and warned me that people are very pro-PDA there. If I am uncomfortable, I'll take a walk.

The whinging I'm talking about is "oh, my job is so awful! I hate it!" Well, put out some resumes, or look at training for a different career would be my reply. But there are some folks who just want to complain for the joy of it, and don't want help. I do not deal well with that

thus the Ask Before Hugging buttons. It's good to know the enviroment you're going into is PDA friendly, that way you can verbaly set boundaries, and step back from the crowd if it gets uncomfortable. Sounds muchly healthy to me :)
We've got plenty of quiet space for walking in, too :)

But there are some folks who just want to complain for the joy of it, and don't want help.

What if they do everything you suggest, but still can't get out of their awful job or unemployment? What then?

I guess this strikes a chord with me because I've been in situations where I've done everything I could think of to change my reality, and then took advice from other people if I missed any bases -- and still couldn't change my reality.

It is at that point that I think it's human to complain, even more so than before when I was doing what I could to resolve my problem. The other times I'm more likely to complain is when I'm worried about something happening which may never come into being -- but if circumstances are similar enough to past experience, then it pushes the worry-button.

If nothing works, then complaining is warranted. It's the substitution of complaints for action that irks me. My preferred complaint is "I hate X, but I'm doing Y about it."

"I hate my job! I'm trying to find a new one, but I hardly have any time!"

"Have you tried sites like Monster.com?"

"Yes, but no bites so far."

"Want me to post your addy and situation to my LiveJournal? Someone there might be able to help."

"Been there."

"Christ, I waish there was something I could do. Good luck, and let me know waht happens, 'kay?

Didn't we have that precise conversation at the party? Oi...

-JEM

Me, my feelings on this are that you shouldn't fault someone who needs to let off steam and bitch and complain sometimes... but that doesn't me *YOU* have to be the one to listen.

Basically, I don't think a person should say "geez, but you're a pathetic little whiner! Grow up and stop complaining!" unless the person really *IS* a pathetic little whiner who needs to grow up and take some responsibility for their life. (and PLWWNTGUATSRFTLs are pretty rare)

But the kindly equivalent of "don't let me hold up your search to find someone who wants to listen... please, continue searching." is okay.

Rose came to me with a problem about what happened when we were taking family photos at the birthday dinner. When then discussed my feelings about your relationship with Kirsten and my feelings about it vs. my dislike of being present for public displays of affection between the two of you. She mentioned to open nature of Callahanicon, and warned me that people are very pro-PDA there.

(I was going to wait till tomorrow night to bring this up, but it just fits here....)

It goes beyond being pro-PDA. They're going to be pro-Kiri-and-Daf. Like it or not, he and I are A Callahanian Couple, and as such are treated as being greater than the sum of our selves. Rose described it when she and I talked on Sunday as "Callahanian-squared." Talk to

eleri and

vaxjedi. Talk to

arson and

gesi. Talk to

valkyrwench and

twfarlan. If

peaberry were still alive, she'd be able to tell you the same thing about her and her husband.... They all found each other through the magic of Callahan's Place; I'm sure they've all experienced it before.

I've seen how frustrated you get at Starport when the three of us are there and he-and-I get more attention than you-and-I do. We're going into an environment where he and I as individuals have far more history than you do, to say nothing of he-and-I vs. you-and-I. I'm not asking you to change to fit the mold of those around us; I'm telling you that those around us are just as unlikely to change to fit your mold.

You're expecting people to "deal with it;" that expectation goes both ways.

BTDT. There are people who had no idea I had another husband. Heck, our very own Doc had no idea I was poly...And I've been on the other side, where people had no idea I was Chris wife, because they saw him and Dawn together. Neither side is easy, and it didn't help that Chris and I were very rarely seen together.

Sometimes presentation is everything.

Heck Wolf and I, or Wolf and either of his other two Callahanian sweeties, are viewed as people who found each other through a.c (actually, Wolf found me through r.m.f., but that's because Mary the Filker pointed him there...).

I don't think it's a bad thing to be viewed as part of a couple, as long as people *also* view you as an individual.

PS. Sorry, I missed the point (that's what I get for not reading carefully).

As someone who is poly-friendly, but doesn't find it needful to have additional relationships, I would (and have) found it upsetting if I felt that Wolf, my partner, was putting other relationships ahead of his relationship with me. If other people treated those relationships as more important, I'm not sure *how* I would feel. Left out. Left behind. A third wheel.

It's not a happy feeling.

We talked about this yesterday, actually.... He actually does understand that the people at the PNW Annex are far more used to seeing

dafydd and me as "the couple". We have a local fannish friend who refers frequently to her "invisible husband" (she married a mundane who shows up only for the art auction, if at all) -

gridlore sees himself in an analogous position here. It's only if he gets ignored that he'll start having problems, and I understand and respect that.

Deal with it.

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There's more to it than that....

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