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Welcome to a damaged brain.
I've been sitting here in front of the computer since about 0730 this morning. And I've accomplished absolutely nothing. I haven't eaten. I'm still wearing the hoodie I donned when I got up despite it being warm. I just forgot to take it off. Like I forgot to eat.
The hoodie is off now. I'm wearing my San Jose Sabercats shirt. No idea if I put it on this morning or slept in it. Pretty sure the blue jeans are fresh, since there's no belt and wallet. Based on that, I'm going to assume clean clothes. Go me.
I had plans for the day. I was going to round up all the recycling from home and Earth Baby and take it in. But my brain never clicked on that. I forgot about it the moment Kirsten walked out the door, and by the time they notion wandered back in, I was already done. My brain, dealing with leftover stress from yesterday, is failing to launch. I can't muster the will to do anything, because when I think about doing, my brain overloads. Just writing this a struggle.
Maybe I did eat. I'm not that hungry right now. Don't see any breakfast dishes or crumbs from a sandwich, so I suspect I just closed my 0900 "Eat Breakfast" alarm on the iPhone and immediately forgot that I'm supposed to do something at that point.
Hey! I did remember to take my morning pills! And the anti-coagulation clinic called with a med adjustment and I immediately wrote it down! And put the Post-It where it is supposed to go! Can I get an Army Commendation Medal for that?
I'm dealing with residual stress because yesterday we had to go and beg for money. The state stopped paying my MediCal premium, and I never saw the notice. Even if I had, I can't read bureaucratese anymore. It shuts me down. Kiri, who is a Goddess, got everything organized and did 90% of the talking. Things are looking good, but I'm stressed because it was casually mentioned that there is a MediCal dental plan that might be able to get me dentures that actually work. I've been trying to find this information for months! But I can't concentrate that long.
I should be writing. I'm trying to do two novels -- one SF, the other Urban fantasy -- along with a bevy of ideas for short stories and the Great Church for Pathfinder that I'd love to sell to someone so my sole big gaming credit won't be a book written 16 years ago. But I can't get the thoughts together. Just getting this down is torture. And my aphasia is so bad today that the voice recognition software is I use is pointless. So ideas flit around my head, dissolving when I try to make them come out. Very frustrating.
This is what living with a stroke is like for me. I could take it when my body was trying to kill me, but my brain? It's where I live, and now it's broken as well. I have good days, to be sure. But this is a bad day, and I'm just terrified that it is a sign of things to come.
1519. I've been writing this for close to 45 minutes. And while I had more things to say, they won't come out. So I'll end this here.
The hoodie is off now. I'm wearing my San Jose Sabercats shirt. No idea if I put it on this morning or slept in it. Pretty sure the blue jeans are fresh, since there's no belt and wallet. Based on that, I'm going to assume clean clothes. Go me.
I had plans for the day. I was going to round up all the recycling from home and Earth Baby and take it in. But my brain never clicked on that. I forgot about it the moment Kirsten walked out the door, and by the time they notion wandered back in, I was already done. My brain, dealing with leftover stress from yesterday, is failing to launch. I can't muster the will to do anything, because when I think about doing, my brain overloads. Just writing this a struggle.
Maybe I did eat. I'm not that hungry right now. Don't see any breakfast dishes or crumbs from a sandwich, so I suspect I just closed my 0900 "Eat Breakfast" alarm on the iPhone and immediately forgot that I'm supposed to do something at that point.
Hey! I did remember to take my morning pills! And the anti-coagulation clinic called with a med adjustment and I immediately wrote it down! And put the Post-It where it is supposed to go! Can I get an Army Commendation Medal for that?
I'm dealing with residual stress because yesterday we had to go and beg for money. The state stopped paying my MediCal premium, and I never saw the notice. Even if I had, I can't read bureaucratese anymore. It shuts me down. Kiri, who is a Goddess, got everything organized and did 90% of the talking. Things are looking good, but I'm stressed because it was casually mentioned that there is a MediCal dental plan that might be able to get me dentures that actually work. I've been trying to find this information for months! But I can't concentrate that long.
I should be writing. I'm trying to do two novels -- one SF, the other Urban fantasy -- along with a bevy of ideas for short stories and the Great Church for Pathfinder that I'd love to sell to someone so my sole big gaming credit won't be a book written 16 years ago. But I can't get the thoughts together. Just getting this down is torture. And my aphasia is so bad today that the voice recognition software is I use is pointless. So ideas flit around my head, dissolving when I try to make them come out. Very frustrating.
This is what living with a stroke is like for me. I could take it when my body was trying to kill me, but my brain? It's where I live, and now it's broken as well. I have good days, to be sure. But this is a bad day, and I'm just terrified that it is a sign of things to come.
1519. I've been writing this for close to 45 minutes. And while I had more things to say, they won't come out. So I'll end this here.
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