Oh, son of a bitch.

[gridlore]

I can't get the moderation job without DSL

fimbrethil offers to help pay for the DSL

kshandra orders the DSL last night

Today, I get a note that all the positions have been filled.

I read that message and came as close as I have in years to actually snapping. Seriously, I could feel my self-control just slipping away, and the happy lands of insanity just calling to me. I probably stared at that email for a good five minutes, just unable to move for fear that I would put my fist through the damn screen.

Frustrated is not an adequate word to describe how I feel right now. To be honest; I'm not feeling much of anything.

Comments

[gridlore.livejournal.com]

Hit me.

[anandav.livejournal.com]

Well, you seem to be getting the big hints I got about a year and a half ago. Seemed like everything I tried was fruitless, a dead end. I felt like the world, at least professionally, was this one big closed door.

I remembered that old saying, "insanity is continuing to do the same thing and expect different results".

I sat down and really asked myself what would make me happy. I already knew the answer. Filmmaking. But what are the odds that I , a novice, could get gainful employment doing what I really love?

I began to think past that concept, and thought about the balances in life that the universe seems hell bent on maintaining. I remembered thinking that I was as empty as I could feel. But I was also kindly reminded by a dear friend that this emptiness is necessary in order to be filled. Ok, sounds a bit ethereal and not practical in the real world of bills and collections.

But I decided to do the wildest thing I could think of. The wildest thing was, to give it away. Give away my time? Yep. I decided to volunteer my time and energies AS A FILMMAKER to worthy causes in exchange for a tax write-off and experience in the field I wanted to be in. Yes, I was running my car on fumes, yes, I went on food stamps, but I was getting up in the morning and actually doing what I loved.

What I found, is that when people, organizations, see you doing what you do best, and doing it for free while you look for gainful employment ,they see a person who creates positive change for themselves. This in turn, for me, led to alot of folks in the business giving me a chance on their productions, GETTING PAID! Right now, my life is one big miracle, Doug. But I had to be emptied, and I had to give something for the sheer love of it, in order for it to happen.

Ok, most people probably would hate this kind of response, to a dillema that seems so entrenched in the real world of getting by day to day. But I pose this to you also because in giving what you do best away, you create more value for yourself within your own perception of yourself. This increased sense of worth and usefulness seems to serve as an unconscious beacon to those around us, and may open even more possibilities. Think about it, it may be a strange but helpful change to the way you've approached getting a job..

Anyways, my two cents. And a big hug. :)