ext_307181 ([identity profile] robertprior.livejournal.com) wrote in [personal profile] gridlore 2009-09-21 10:42 am (UTC)

So you suggest switching the first two sentences? I think that works.

Also, maybe change "the crew" to "its crew". "Bulky bus" could become simply "it" as the subject of the paragraph.
(9 comments)

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