ext_123467 ([identity profile] notthebuddha.livejournal.com) wrote in [personal profile] gridlore 2009-09-21 04:48 am (UTC)

I think the second sentence makes for a better first sentence; it shows what the first tells.

You've broken a genre habit with "bus" - I think you could do well to break some more and use other synonyms for sensors and the second occurrence of "bus", to pack all the more information in while you are setting the scene.

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