Well, this explains a great deal.
Yesterday, Kirsten drove me over to see my neuropsychologist, Dr. Dahl. She wanted to be there because on Monday I had suffered an epic emotional breakdown after finding myself unable to write, plus I wanted her to meet the latest member of my team.
The main reason for the meeting was to get my full assessment after weeks of evaluations. It wasn't completely ready due to my doctor having to go to the ER that morning, but he was able to at least hit the highlights. As we went along, he kept looking at test results and added a diagnosis to the previous finding that I'm fucking depressed.
I have now been formally diagnosed with "attention deficit hyperactivity disorder, predominantly inattentive." And the more Dr. Dahl explained it, and the more I've read since getting home from the appointment, the more things make sense. Have you ever had an "a-ha!" moment where suddenly everything clicks into focus and you see the big picture? I had one of those when I was told that I showed every sign of having Hypokalemic Periodic Paralysis a few years ago. It explained some of the physical difficulties I had had over the years where what I thought were muscle cramps or just my being weak might have been my limbs actually becoming paralyzed due to potassium not being correctly passed into my muscles.
This is much bigger. Here's what I've found about this latest bombshell (from Wikipedia):
"Attention deficit hyperactivity disorder predominantly inattentive (ADHD-PI or ADHD-I), formerly attention deficit disorder without hyperactivity, is one of the three presentations of attention deficit hyperactivity disorder (ADHD).
"The term was formally changed in 1994 in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, fourth edition (DSM-IV), to "ADHD predominantly inattentive" (ADHD-PI). The 'predominantly inattentive subtype' is similar to the other presentations of ADHD except that it is characterized primarily by problems with inattention or a deficit of sustained attention, such as procrastination, hesitation, and forgetfulness. It differs in having fewer or no typical symptoms of hyperactivity or impulsiveness. Lethargy and fatigue are sometimes reported, but ADHD-PI is a separate condition from the proposed cluster of symptoms known as sluggish cognitive tempo (SCT)."
There you go. Those of my friends who I've known since our school days will remember that I was the kid who always had his hand up and knew the answers, but never did the required work. I'd read the textbook in the first two weeks and ace tests but could never do the homework because it bored me. This is what has plagued me all my life.
According to the tests we've done, I have a superior memory in most areas. But my cognitive and executive functions test much lower. Not bad, but hovering around Average. This creates the break between what I think I can do and what I actually can do.
As I sit here and think about it, this may be why I was so successful as a driver. Being a commercial driver is very much being in the now without a great deal of long-term planning needed. You can break your day down into easily considered chunks. "I have three stops for six passengers in the Mission." or "That bundle of 20' Unistrut has to come off at my second stop, so it needs to be on the edge of the bed." Your day is never too much at once, it's always focusing on the next stop and being in the moment of driving.
Just a thought.
But I have been referred to a clinic, conveniently in the same building as Dr. Dahl, and we've started the process of registering with them. I'll be seeing a Nurse Practioner who works with a psychiatrist. I have no problem with this setup. The goal is to train my brain to focus better, to break through the failures of my forebrain. Dr. Dahl is confident we can see some results by the new year. We'll see. I suspect this is going to be hard, but I can do hard. Hell, I've been doing hard for 30-plus years!
But I am making some changes. As of now, I'm suspending work on my NaNoWriMo project. Recognizing now the issues that have made writing a piece of this size so difficult, I'm choosing to set it aside for later consideration after I've begun working with a therapist. My goal is still to hold a real space-opera novel with my name on the cover in my hand. But not this year.
Also, I will be scheduling a day for people to come over and help declutter and organize. One of the aspects of this condition is losing things. That happens to me daily, and getting help just clearing out crap and putting things in their logical places will make a world of difference. Details to follow.
Lastly, I'm going to try to work on thinking realistically about what I can achieve. I have goals, I always have goals, but I think I should pull back from "win three Hugo Awards in one year" to "learn to write a good short fiction piece and sell it." This will involve stuffing my planetary-sized ego into a box, but I'm going to try.
One more thing before you all ask: medications. At my appointment yesterday it was made clear that Dr. Dahl wants to stay clear of the traditional ADHD medications because they are stimulants, and I have a history of methamphetamine addiction. The depression is still an issue, and my lows are getting frightening, so I will be asking about something to help with that when I start working with the mental health clinic.
The other question? Yes, we have found the ICD-10 code for Attention deficit hyperactivity disorder predominantly inattentive; and are looking to add it to the tattoo on my right arm.
The main reason for the meeting was to get my full assessment after weeks of evaluations. It wasn't completely ready due to my doctor having to go to the ER that morning, but he was able to at least hit the highlights. As we went along, he kept looking at test results and added a diagnosis to the previous finding that I'm fucking depressed.
I have now been formally diagnosed with "attention deficit hyperactivity disorder, predominantly inattentive." And the more Dr. Dahl explained it, and the more I've read since getting home from the appointment, the more things make sense. Have you ever had an "a-ha!" moment where suddenly everything clicks into focus and you see the big picture? I had one of those when I was told that I showed every sign of having Hypokalemic Periodic Paralysis a few years ago. It explained some of the physical difficulties I had had over the years where what I thought were muscle cramps or just my being weak might have been my limbs actually becoming paralyzed due to potassium not being correctly passed into my muscles.
This is much bigger. Here's what I've found about this latest bombshell (from Wikipedia):
"Attention deficit hyperactivity disorder predominantly inattentive (ADHD-PI or ADHD-I), formerly attention deficit disorder without hyperactivity, is one of the three presentations of attention deficit hyperactivity disorder (ADHD).
"The term was formally changed in 1994 in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, fourth edition (DSM-IV), to "ADHD predominantly inattentive" (ADHD-PI). The 'predominantly inattentive subtype' is similar to the other presentations of ADHD except that it is characterized primarily by problems with inattention or a deficit of sustained attention, such as procrastination, hesitation, and forgetfulness. It differs in having fewer or no typical symptoms of hyperactivity or impulsiveness. Lethargy and fatigue are sometimes reported, but ADHD-PI is a separate condition from the proposed cluster of symptoms known as sluggish cognitive tempo (SCT)."
There you go. Those of my friends who I've known since our school days will remember that I was the kid who always had his hand up and knew the answers, but never did the required work. I'd read the textbook in the first two weeks and ace tests but could never do the homework because it bored me. This is what has plagued me all my life.
According to the tests we've done, I have a superior memory in most areas. But my cognitive and executive functions test much lower. Not bad, but hovering around Average. This creates the break between what I think I can do and what I actually can do.
As I sit here and think about it, this may be why I was so successful as a driver. Being a commercial driver is very much being in the now without a great deal of long-term planning needed. You can break your day down into easily considered chunks. "I have three stops for six passengers in the Mission." or "That bundle of 20' Unistrut has to come off at my second stop, so it needs to be on the edge of the bed." Your day is never too much at once, it's always focusing on the next stop and being in the moment of driving.
Just a thought.
But I have been referred to a clinic, conveniently in the same building as Dr. Dahl, and we've started the process of registering with them. I'll be seeing a Nurse Practioner who works with a psychiatrist. I have no problem with this setup. The goal is to train my brain to focus better, to break through the failures of my forebrain. Dr. Dahl is confident we can see some results by the new year. We'll see. I suspect this is going to be hard, but I can do hard. Hell, I've been doing hard for 30-plus years!
But I am making some changes. As of now, I'm suspending work on my NaNoWriMo project. Recognizing now the issues that have made writing a piece of this size so difficult, I'm choosing to set it aside for later consideration after I've begun working with a therapist. My goal is still to hold a real space-opera novel with my name on the cover in my hand. But not this year.
Also, I will be scheduling a day for people to come over and help declutter and organize. One of the aspects of this condition is losing things. That happens to me daily, and getting help just clearing out crap and putting things in their logical places will make a world of difference. Details to follow.
Lastly, I'm going to try to work on thinking realistically about what I can achieve. I have goals, I always have goals, but I think I should pull back from "win three Hugo Awards in one year" to "learn to write a good short fiction piece and sell it." This will involve stuffing my planetary-sized ego into a box, but I'm going to try.
One more thing before you all ask: medications. At my appointment yesterday it was made clear that Dr. Dahl wants to stay clear of the traditional ADHD medications because they are stimulants, and I have a history of methamphetamine addiction. The depression is still an issue, and my lows are getting frightening, so I will be asking about something to help with that when I start working with the mental health clinic.
The other question? Yes, we have found the ICD-10 code for Attention deficit hyperactivity disorder predominantly inattentive; and are looking to add it to the tattoo on my right arm.