I have a similar sort of setup in my head (in which scene commander Executive Function tries and often fails to keep up with the disaster, and some of the residents, like Anxiety, are not helping at all), although we do not have an Ensign Wheatbiscuit and usually blame things on the generally terrible condition of our vessel and the lack of sufficient maintenance. If we did have one, however, she'd be jamming the valve to full closed instead. And she'd probably be a Russian saboteur.