Douglas E. Berry

You speak of Fat Bears, I bring you Fat Squirrels!

Tue, 18 Oct 2022 00:38:53 GMT

While Fat Bear Week has come and gone (I'm still on Team Otis) I'm having my own version.

Fat Squirrel Month.

The corner where I work is great for many reasons, one being the large number of trees along the greenway and the small grove on the other side of my corner. These trees are home to a good number of squirrels, and over the past couple of years, I've learned to identify them.

When there's no one to cross, I usually sit quietly and observe. So now is the time when the squirrels are getting ready for what passes for winter here. They are stuffing their cute little faces and packing it on!

Right now, Black Bart appears to be in the lead, being a chonk of an inkblot squirrel. Right behind him is Tweaker, so named because he acts like he just smoked all the meth. Despite still racing up and down trees for no apparent reason, he is putting on some mass. Finally, we have Squirrel Judy, who sits on her branch and scolds everyone in range of her voice. She chitters at me, the crows, other squirrels, and especially at families who leave the school near the end of my shift, interrupting her Eat What The Kids Dropped time.

But there is a new contender, and he's not a squirrel I know! I've only spotted him a few times, but he had a very distinctive white streak in his fur along the line where squirrel fur goes from bark-grey to tan or orange. I've named him the Phantom for his vanishing act. He appears to be getting enough food to move up in the rankings if I spot him more often to be sure.

You tax dollars at work, and all squirrel genders are assumed.

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A busy day!

Sun, 13 Mar 2022 22:19:16 GMT

Done today:

- Reorganized my gaming shelves so the Runequest stuff is more accessible.

- Put the redundant books up on eBay.

- I'm eying a few other things I may sell in the name of decluttering.

- I have a load of dishes running in the dishwasher.

- I'm going through five loads of laundry, including my reflective vest.

- Put new filters in my masks, which I'm going to wear until my kids have their mask mandate lifted.

- Cleaned my work Hydroflask. I drink 32 oz of water with a Nuun tablet every shift. Neen to clean out the yummy mold weekly.

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I am FUCKING DONE!!

Sat, 19 Feb 2022 23:28:48 GMT

Goddamnit. I cannot, literally cannot take much more. Yesterday morning at work, I found out it was a minimum day from a student. When I went into the school office at the end of that shift to confirm this, the secretary said that she had meant to "drive around and hand you all this" "This" being a little yellow notice that was sent home yesterday. "But I got busy."

Halford wept. On a normal day, I arrive at 1345 and am on station until 1515. The school releases kids in two sets, one at 1425, the second at 1437. On a minimum day, I arrive at 1300 and stay for one hour. The entire school releases at 1325. If a very cool 10-year-old hadn't told me about the change, I would have shown up after everyone had gone home. My school has four guard positions because it is one of the most dangerous in the district in terms of traffic. I gave the secretary my boss' phone number and suggested that if another scheduling change came up, the best bet was to call him and he would alert the guards as well as have it on his radar should a relief guard be needed.

Speaking of which. . . I got home, sat down at the computer, and started feeling miserable. Full-body shaking, I could feel the fever climbing, I could barely work my phone to call in for the afternoon shift. I eventually managed to get into the bedroom without falling over. Long story short? One ruined t-shirt and pair of shorts, I continue to be an expert at puking into containers and spent nearly 14 hours in some form of sleep.

Ah, sleep, perchance to dream. This brings me to the Nightmare. Getting bugs like this is second nature to me now, and I know what to treat them. Acetaminophen, fluids, and rest. But when I go to sleep, I get the same damn dream every time. The details change, but the basic plot is I am involved in a land dispute, usually in England, that is wrapped in Byzantine layers of old deeds and surveyors' maps. I have no idea why I want this land, and it's one of those dreams where I know I'm dreaming, and keep thinking "If I just stop looking at the broken marble column, it will end." This one at least featured a duel. Turns out I'm a pretty good fencer!

But I finally woke up this morning and began to process what Kirsten had told me the night before. Our new trailer arrived, and not only did the dimshit delivery driver manage to cause significant damage, HE HAD BEEN SLEEPING IN OUR TRAILER AND LEFT HIS DIRTY CLOTHES BEHIND! The bracket that holds the front wheel is bent, the wires that link the trailer lights to the truck's lights had been cut clear through, and worst of all, he did enough damage to the brand new floor that it goes through the floorboards. We are livid. We are talking about getting a lawyer. This is the same idiot who "forgot" to get the envelope with the trailer keys out of his truck when he had what he said was an engine problem and had to transfer our trailer to a different carrier.

I'm serious, world, I can not handle anything else going wrong.

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It's been one week. . .

Sat, 11 Dec 2021 01:55:16 GMT

I am so glad this week is over, as I over-extended myself a bit. I just had so much to do! It started Wednesday with a chest CT after work. No contrast was needed, so it was a literal five-minute affair, but still, it took away some spoons.

Then on Thursday, I had to deal with job stuff. Not just dropping my timecard off at the station, but we're finally switching banks and I needed to change my direct deposit. After an amusing phone conversation with someone in HR where I confessed that while crossing guards don't get city email accounts, we do get really neat whistles, I ventured down to City Hall to go into Payroll.

Which took some doing, as while they are open, they aren't really open, if you know what I mean. With the aid of a nice lady from HR, I found the right window and got that done. This was between my two shifts on Thursday, so you can only imagine the spoon deficit I was running with by the time I finished work.

Then today I had to go get more labs done. Again, I did this between my shifts. I was expecting it to be quick. It wasn't. As usual, there was difficulty in finding blood in my body, and one of the orders caused great confusion, and it appears to be for a spinal fluid tap, and they don't do that at Quest.

Add in the cold weather (I take a blood thinner, so I do not react well to chill conditions) and this has been a freaking week.

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My Brain is the Special Kind of Special

Wed, 10 Nov 2021 00:38:57 GMT

So I know most of you consider me a pretty smart guy. I'm not going to say you're wrong, but this morning I had a brain fart so amazing I have to share it.

Part of my pre-work routine is taking my 32oz Hydroflask, dropping a Nuun tablet in, and filling it with water. I then put it on our little kitchen island next to my mask, keys, and phone )already in the belt clip) so I can get out the door quickly.

Well, this morning I was ready to go and went for my stuff when I noticed that the lid of the HydroFlask wasn't on the bottle. Confused, I began a search. Now, our apartment is very small, and the area I had been operating in is less than 100 sq ft. But I could not find the damn thing. Needing to get out the door I grabbed another lid from my growler and figured nobody would notice that my tan bottle suddenly had a black lid.

Fast-forward (at speeds ranging from 25 to 35 mph) and I'm at the school. I get out and reach into my pocket to get my keyring so I can clip the truck key back on. . . and my hand encounters something unexpected. Yup. The lid for my water bottle. What in the Abyss caused me to put it in my pocket, I'll never know.

But yeah, smart guy means when my brain skips the grooves, it's spectacular!

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Doing things.

Wed, 27 Oct 2021 00:23:58 GMT

Accomplished today, after I spent Monday being a slug.

- All the dishes are done.

- Mopped the kitchen floor, which really needs to be a weekly thing.

_ Got the garbage bins out to the curb after we forgot to do that last night.

- Since I'm going back to work next week, I also got about 3,700 steps and 8 of 10 active hours.

- Tomorrow I'm planning on going down to Central Park for a good, long walk and to see how much water is in Saratoga Creek. Expect video. I',m also going to try to get in vacuuming the entry and the hallway.

- The green "gas bubble in eye" wristband fell off sometime last night. No idea where it landed. It's probably lurking in the bed somewhere.

- Taco Tuesday is about to happen!

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Trading one work schedule for another.

Wed, 02 Jun 2021 21:26:03 GMT

Well, I'm not working until mid/late August when the school year starts, and me being me, I'll keep right on waking at 0630 despite turning the alarm off.

Which means I'll be awake, dressed, and coherent by 0700 most days. Now, there are a ton of things to get done around here; delayed cleaning, getting Darby's 60k service done, things like that, I have a plan to better utilize those hours where I'd normally be standing on a corner with a stop sign.

0730-0900 and 1100-1230 are now my writing times when I put everything else aside and do something related to producing written content. It could be playing with Scrivener, doing actual research for a project, writing stream-of-consciousness pieces, or producing actual works that I want people to feel are worth paying for.

Getting that rhythm is important. and once school is back in session, I can adjust the hours to conform with my (hopefully) longer breaks between shifts in the 21-22 school year.

So look for some content in the next week. And please, PLEASE, give feedback for good or ill. The only way I grow as a writer is by hearing what works and more importantly, what doesn't.

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This is an unexpected issue.

Tue, 20 Apr 2021 21:33:19 GMT

Ever since my stroke I've gotten mentally tired really fast. It's a damaged brain trying to process everything that a human experiences in a day. kshandra can tell just how fast I can come to a screeching halt when overstimulated.

This is why I love my job so much. The two shifts are separated giving me recovery time. But since we came back, there has been a change. See, last year my shifts were 0730-0900 in the morning and 1415-1545 in the afternoon. On Wednesdays, the afternoon shift was 1315-145 due to the district-mandated minimum day. So I had a break of about five hours every day but Wednesday, when the break was four hours. More than enough time to recover, eat, noodle on the internet, or just chill and watch strange videos.

But the new schedule is much tighter. The same morning shift, but the later shift is now 1115-1215. So my break is only two hours. That's not really enough time for me to fully recharge. I've been coming home really tired and draggy. Then today happened.

There was a traffic collision right in my intersection during my morning shift. All the kids were already in school, no one was injured, the driver at fault immediately took responsibility. I called the police and a CSO came out to handle things.

This was something new. This burned a lot of spoons. I was barely able to drag myself out for my afternoon shift and still cut out early. Luckily, we only have roughly four weeks left, and next school year will be back to normal. But until then, I'm going to focus more on eating and resting during my short break time.

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The waiting is the hardest part.

Wed, 17 Mar 2021 21:21:19 GMT

I'm in a weird mind space right now, as it's a week to the Crossing Guard pre-school meeting, and I'm waiting on the tax refund to start looking at getting new dentures, so I'm bored and antsy at the same time.

Or as I described it to kshandra, "I'm eight years old and it's a week until Christmas. Except I have access to beer."

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Life During COVID

Wed, 11 Mar 2020 17:40:26 GMT

On a normal morning, traffic on Scott Blvd northbound past my post is quite heavy. By 0815 traffic stopped at Monroe St. can back up all the way to my corner, about 500 feet away. Stop and go is the norm from about 0800 to when I leave ar around 0900.

Yesterday, the City of Santa Clara banned all public gatherings of more than 1000 people, and asked the big tech firms to allow as many people as possible to work from home.

Today, there was almost no traffic on Scott. It was eerie.

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This would be possible in Shadowrun, come to think of it.

Thu, 13 Feb 2020 19:53:24 GMT

There's a thing starting on Twitter calling for people to draw their D&D character wearing their player's current clothing.

I can't draw for shit, but I love the image of Tusker, my half-orc Paladin of Bane, wearing my crossing guard uniform with a stop sign tied to his glaive.

I imagine that Tusker would show little restraint in dealing with crosswalk blockers. . .

"Foul spawn of Honda! Bane has declared that the limit line is at the stop sign, which is behind you, and now you impede the path of those I've sworn to protect! Feel the wrath of the Tyrant!"

So, that's 1d10+4 slashing, plus 1d8 radiant, and I'm going to burn a spell slot for Improved Divine Smite, adding another 5d8. . .

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Bzzzzzzz...

Sun, 09 Feb 2020 01:10:21 GMT

So, I have tried something new. Since finding Mt. Dew Throwback is becoming nearly impossible, I turned to amazon. Figuring I'd order a ridiculous amount and build a fort. Instead, my searching led me to Mt. Dew's Game Fuel.

I've no issue with the idea of energy drinks. It's just that for me they've always been nigh-undrinkable due to the flavor. Seriously, I don't know how people drink stuff like Red Bull unless it's an acquired taste along with the addiction to caffeine.

But this promised the original Mt. Dew taste. Intrigued, I ordered a case. I had one the other morning when I really needed to jump-start myself for work. It tasted like Dew with a bit of that energy drink after taste. Pretty good, all in all.

But did it work? I wasn't turned into a hyper-aware twitch monster, but I did notice an increase in my energy level and had a really good shift. Also, no crash. Although that could be explained by my eating a full breakfast about two hours after drinking.

So yeah, a good thing. A case will be coming to the desert with me.

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A modern-day Eratosthenes, that's me!

Tue, 04 Feb 2020 01:29:40 GMT

It was 31°F when I got to work this morning, while helps to explain the 1,146 steps I took between 0730 and 0745. Move or die! But I was able to get scientific confirmation that spring is coming! I did this by noting the angle of the sun during my shift.

There are two very tall pine trees on the grounds of Scott Lane School that stand about due South East of my post at Scott and Cabrillo. For much of the late fall and winter, those pines have been blocking the rising sun. As any sun on a cold morning can help, I stared at these trees with dark thoughts of chainsaws and wild attack beavers in my mind. For a week or so, the sun was rising almost directly between the trees, as seen from my point, creating a narrow sliver of early light I could bask in by standing in just the right spot on the sidewalk. I'm sure that shaft of light hitting my hi-vis safety vest dazzled a few drivers, but I didn't care. As I'm not allowed to cut down one of the trees near me for a bonfire, I'll take my heat any wat I can get it.

I never even got to the point where I explained the importance of dancing naked around the fire. No burning trees! So intolerant. I'd have kept the safety vest on!

But anyway, this morning was the first really clear morning we've had in a few weeks, and I was pleased to see that the sun is now rising a bit to the north of these trees, and letting me get sunlight right on my corner. Bang, there you go: observational proof of the Earth's Axial tilt taken over a period of many weeks by yours truly.

For my next trick, I'll discover a means of accurately measuring longitude while at sea.

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2019: Look back myopically, look ahead with 20/20 vision

Wed, 01 Jan 2020 02:34:59 GMT

Well, I've made it through another year. Continuing to defy the medical odds, and actually thriving somewhat. 2019 was a year of continued recovery, pushing myself, and doing things that I thought I would never be able to do.

Let's review, shall we?

( Health )

( Work )

( The Arts )

( Baseball )

( Creative Work )

( Burning Man )

So, that's 2019. I know I missed things, but the summation of the year is this: I didn't die, and had fun living.

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I see a need, and I'm going to work to see it resolved.

Fri, 06 Dec 2019 02:04:57 GMT

I need to get involved in my city government. Because I, a citizen, wish to petition for a redress of grievances.

In short, I need a crosswalk built. Take a look at this map.

I'm at the corner of Scott and Cabrillo. You can see I have a nice crosswalk on Cabrillo. I do pretty good business, during our annual census, I averaged 55-60 students a day, plus parents, younger kids along for the walk, etc.

But you will notice there is no crosswalk across Scott at my corner. This is a problem because the nearest legal crossings are at Monroe (top of the map) and Royal (at the bottom of the map.)

Add in that my school has a large number of immigrant parents, so I'm facing linguistic and cultural barriers. Which leads to the problem.

Epic jaywalking. Over a dozen that I see (I'm usually facing another direction to watch for pedestrians to cross) and Halford knows how many I miss.

Because it's simply ridiculous for a family coming up Cabrillo on the far side of Scott to have to walk that far out of the way to cross the street. So they risk it. I'm seeing mothers with four or five pre-school and school-aged children trying to get across Scott.

And Scott is dangerous. It's a major commuter route for some of the Valley's heavy hitters. Which means that one in three drivers is distracted. Trust me, I see it every single morning.

It's just a matter of time before some techie is reading a text and not watching the road.

I really don't want to have to call ion a vehicle-pedestrian incident.

So, what I'm going to pitch is an uncontrolled school crosswalk (the ones with the yellow bars, like I have) across Scott on the southside of Cabrillo. There's already a ramp cut on the far side, they'd just need to cut one on my side and repaint. This would cut about 8' off the left turn lane from NB Scott to WB Cabrillo.

Now I just need to figure out where to start? My council rep? The District?

The funny thing is I'd be making more work for myself, along with getting a partner to work the far side. But it'll be worth it. If anyone is curious as to why I'd need a partner, ask and I'll explain in the comments.

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Bird. BIG Bird! Nice bird . . .

Wed, 20 Nov 2019 23:11:33 GMT

A really cool sight while on my way to my afternoon shift. As I was driving down Scott, I noticed a big bird over the roadway, really low. It's not uncommon to see hawks around here.

But then the bird banked and it was HUGE. The wingspan was enormous. The bird settled on the wall of an apartment complex across from where I work, and by the time I had parked, it was gone. I did get a good enough look to see this was, in fact, a vulture, one with a prominent red head and neck.

I just looked it up, and I was right. I saw a turkey vulture (Cathartes aura). While they aren't uncommon around here, I've seen one up close in flight like that.

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Light 'em Up! Light 'em Up!

Tue, 19 Nov 2019 01:57:17 GMT

This morning was magical. I go on duty at 0730 and ten minutes later two motorcycle units pull up at the opposite curb, and the LIDAR guns come out. Within 30 seconds each of them had a speeder lit up.

Lather, rinse, repeat. Easily a dozen stops for each of them in the hour-plus they were there. Call it an hour fifteen, as they both left just as I was getting ready to go off-shift.

The best part is they nailed one of my chronic stop sign runners. This dude barely taps the brakes if he thinks he can make it across Scott Blvd. Today, one of the officers watched him the whole way. Had him lit up before he made it all the way across.

What was funny is I saw the Waze Effect from an outside observer's standpoint. Normally, northbound traffic on Scott races at that hour. Forget the school zone limit, these morons can barely keep it below the posted 35 mph limit. But about ten minutes after the officers are on scene, suddenly, all the traffic on Scott is meeking motoring along at the limit. Somebody must have tagged the cops on Waze, and enough people use it to cause a slowdown.

I wish I could have them every day.

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Halt, ungezogene Kinder!

Fri, 20 Sep 2019 23:39:13 GMT

Today I finally had to use the command voice on one of my kids. Long story short, traffic was FUBAR with people making bad turns and not signaling. Two of my more excitable boys decided to cross while I was holding people back.

Thank you, Primary Leadership Development Course, for teaching me this skill. I stopped them dead in their tracks and ordered them back to the curb.

I try to be friendly and accommodating, but my first job is safety. I will use every tool to keep everyone safe.

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Your pain funds my paycheck.

Wed, 29 May 2019 23:27:55 GMT

Today was a "maximum traffic enforcement" day in Santa Clara. Which meant a full-court press going after speeders, unsafe drivers, seat belt and phone violators, among other things. The enforcement teams targeted expressways, major thoroughfares, and . . . school zones. :)

This morning, I had a pair of Sheriff's deputies lurking on Los Padres. They snagged three red light runners. Two of whom drove right past the uniformed officers on the big motorcycles that scream HI! I'M THE FUZZ!

But this afternoon was the best. Two SCPD motor officers set up a LIDAR station on Saratoga. In the one hour we were all there, they caught several speeders, one of whom had, wait for it, outstanding warrants. All for exceeding the 25mph limit in a marked school zone during the active school time. (Which is one hour before and after the first and last bells.)

Oh, school zone? Fines are doubled. So all of the folks stopped this afternoon are going to be paying between $479 and $766 in fines and fees when all is said and done. Not to mention either taking a point on their licenses or paying for traffic school. The guy with the warrants? Along with dealing with those, he's going to be paying for the towing and impound lot fees.

People, if you can see a school, and it is between 0700 and 1500, assume that school zone rules are in effect. Slow to 25mph and be extra vigilant. Many school zones now have a flashing yellow light on the sign to warn you what is coming.

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Some options are opening up.

Wed, 15 May 2019 22:07:56 GMT

Spoke with my boss today, he rolled up to my corner to check on things. There are at least two people leaving the job. The first pick goes to any senior guard who wants to change their post, but I will have at least two posts to pick from when the time comes.

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A good way to wrap up the school year.

Fri, 03 May 2019 16:39:15 GMT

With five weeks left in the SCUSD school year, I still don't have a permanent post, but things are looking up.

First, I have been told that at least one guard has indicated that they are leaving, and I'm first in line for a spot. So I will have a post for next year. If more than one guard chooses to retire, I'll have the first pick, which will be nice.

Secondly, I have a post through the end of the school year. A guard has an issue to deal with that led them to not being able to work for the rest of the year, so I'm covering that spot starting Monday. It's a good corner, I've worked it several times before. For the locals, I'll be at Westwood School, at the corner of Saratoga and Los Padres.

This means two checks with lots of hours to end the year. Then I need to buy some storage bags for my uniforms and put them away for the summer. I also need to let the boss know the dates of Burning Man so we can schedule around that.

Coming to the end of the year, I can honestly say that I love this job. It has been a perfect fit for my new normal in terms of endurance, the kids and parents have been great, and I'm doing something!

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No Honking Zone

Tue, 30 Apr 2019 02:25:11 GMT

So, our policy at work is we cross anyone who is a 5th grader or below, with or without a parent or guardian present. We also tend to cross parents coming to and from the school, because we all want the kids to learn that the rules apply to everyone.

I will also cross the elderly, anyone who obviously needs a little extra time, and anyone with a baby.

And anyone with a dog. Because they're all good dogs!

But today, I found myself faced with a situation not covered in my official SCPD Crossing Guard manual.

A family of geese, walking down Pomeroy Ave. like they owned it. Goose, gander, and five adorable goslings.

Now it is the season to see a lot of geese and their offspring in Santa Clara. I saw several doing the 5k yesterday. But this was new. I had never seen a set just walking down the street before. I figured they were heading to Calabazas Creek, a few blocks further down Pomeroy.

When the two adult geese stepped into the crosswalk and started across Humboldt, I did what I'd do for any family. I stepped out, raised my stop sign, blew a gentle "tweet" on my whistle, and crossed them.

Which caused a sensation over at the school, where a good number of parents with very young kids in tow were waiting for the bigger siblings to get out. I had quite an audience as I followed my latest charges to the curb before clearing the intersection.

I love my job.

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Ready for the Big Leagues

Sat, 13 Apr 2019 01:00:51 GMT

In the Good News department, I've been informed that I'm now next in line to get a permanent post at work. I'm just waiting for the next person to resign.

At that point, I'm offered the post. Unless it's at the far end of the district or a place I've worked and really didn't like, I'll take it.

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Doug! Tamer of Chaos!

Fri, 08 Feb 2019 20:14:21 GMT

I got a very nice compliment this morning. The school where I've been working all this week is on a small residential street, with my station at a crosswalk right in front of the school.

The issue here is I'm trying to cross over 200 kids at the point when that street is choked with Suburban Assault Vehicles. The school itself has an army of volunteers trying to get these cars in and out quickly.

It's pretty amazing to watch this quiet street go from empty and serene to Times Square on New Year's Eve crowded and back. My job in all of this is to get all these kids across the street.

But I also have to watch traffic flow. I've been hopping trying to group kids to cross and then allowing cars to thin out. This morning the teacher in charge of the circus told me I was doing a great job of traffic management.

I also might have destroyed a 5th grader's chance of ever getting a prom date. Busy day.

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I got dressed for this?

Fri, 11 Jan 2019 16:22:42 GMT

Ah, the human factor. It gets into everything. This morning I was supposed to be covering a corner at Eisenhower School, morning and afternoon. I show up, get into my gear and set up my chair, just in time to see another guard pull up. The regular guard for this spot.

Turns out he asked for next Friday off. Called the boss and after checking, admitted the screw-up was on his end. So now I'm getting paid for the three hours I should have worked today (payroll went in yesterday, and it would be a huge headache to get the hours taken off) and have work next Friday already set up.

Nice to have a mistake work in my favor for once.

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