gridlore: One of the "Madagascar" penguins with a checklist: [x] cute [x] cuddly [x] psychotic (Penguin - Checklist)
I will occasionally answer a spam call by accident. Since 90% of them are robots, I just hang up. Today, it was a person, and I was bored.

Spammer: (the moment I say Hello) "I'm calling from the law firm of Identity, Theft, and Fraud about your recent accident. We want you to know that you are in line to get handsome compensation in damages.

Me: "Oh, that's wonderful! It was really terrible, you know."

Spammer: "I just need a few details, like your name . . ."

Me: (cutting him off) "I mean there we were just driving down the road, and we get hit by a train! Who knew those tracks were active? But anyway, our truck was totaled and we both died. I want to sue somebody!"

Spammer: ". . . died?"

Me: "Oh yeah, torn to bits. Luckily my big sister is a necromancer and was able to raise us both. Of course, now we have to avoid direct sunlight, can't enter holy ground, and feed off the flesh of the living, but at least we have our health, am I right?

Spammer: "If I could get your name, sir . . ."

Me: "I'm not comfortable doing this over the phone. If I give you my address could you send a representative over? Preferably one who works out, has a low body fat level, and no close relatives?"

Spammer: *click*
gridlore: Doug looking off camera with a grin (US Flag)
Got this in my inbox just now.

President Obama will sign this executive order if he hears from Douglas Berry today.

Give me a break. Unless the President of the United States has memorized the names of every single person who contributed $50 to his 2008 campaign, or if he's secretly a GURPS geek who thinks that GT:Ground Forces is a great book, Obama has no fucking clue that I even exist.

Yes, I understand that we live in an era of mined data and robo-activism, but I'd rather get a generic email begging for money that something tries to make me out to be the final word on what the leader of the free world does. If I have that power, I have a few other requests to make!
gridlore: Army Infantry school shield over crossed infantry rifles (Army Infantry)
My Dear Friend,

I'M LIEUTENANT GENERAL MARILYN DANIEL . I am a UNITED STATE ARMY GENERAL.

From united state of America. Am supportive and caring, looking forward to
get a nice friend. I read your profile and pick interest on you. I will like to establish mutual friendship with you.

Please let continue our conversation through my private email box  . I will introduce myself better

Thanks and regards.

Gen. Marilyn Daniel .


I am so tempted to reply...
gridlore: Doug looking off camera with a grin (Default)
Spam of the day

Dear Customer
 
Please note that our Apple ID expired in less than 48 hours And 'essential to carry out a verification of your information, except your username will be destroyed Just click the link below and accedicon your Apple ID and password
 
Check your customer accountGentile (scammer link removed - Doug)
Copyright © 2014 iTunes, Inc All Rights Reserved

That's just sheer poetry.
gridlore: One of the penguins from "Madagascar," captioned "It's all some kind of whacked-out conspiracy." (Penguin - Conspiracy)
Best spam of the day:

U.S. Customs and Border Protection
Office of Border Patrol
Ronald Reagan Building, Washington, D.C.
From The Desk of: Michael J. Fisher
Chief of the Border Patrol


Attention: Beneficiary

This mail is from the U.S. Customs and Border Patrol/ Monitoring Unit. I am pleased to inform you that your ATM Card worth Ten Million, Five Hundred Thousand United States Dollars (US$10.5m) sent from Nigeria as part of your overdue payment/funds was returned to our office last week from Atlanta, Georgia where it was held due to one unavailable document. According to the information reaching my desk today, the ATM Card was returned due to your failure to pay the necessary charges required by the delivery company to enable it pass through the security agency.

However, after due investigation was conducted, I found out that your ATM Card was stopped and delay unnecessarily. Georgia office told us that your ATM Card has no INTERNATIONAL DELIVERY PERMIT that was why you were told to pay huge amount of money which you did not pay. But after further investigation, it was very clear that your ATM Card has the INTERNATIONAL DELIVERY PERMIT attached to it therefore you are no longer required to pay the money you were asked to pay. Now the only money you are required to pay by this honorable is $90 only billed for NIGERIA CUSTOMS SERVICE CLEARANCE CERTIFICATE to clear your file and receive your ATM Card without further hitches/ hullabaloo. Note that they will process the CUSTOMS CLEARANCE CERTIFICATE and send it to us as soon as you send the money to them to enable us release your ATM Card.

Kindly reconfirm your full name, preferred delivery address and direct/cell phone number as requested above so that your ATM Card will be dispatched to your preferred address immediately you send the fee to them without any delay. If you still have interest in receiving your ATM Card, go ahead and send the fee with the above stated information then fill in the above requested details.

Be rest assured that your ATM card will be dispatched to the address you provided as soon as you send the fee for the document. Secondly, be rest assured that there will be no delay on your ATM card delivery after you send the money and the clearance document is being issued in your name by the NIGERIA CUSTOMS SERVICE AUTHORITY.

For more information about me, kindly visit our website. http://www.cbp.gov/about/leadership/assistant-commissioners-office/border-patrol

You can also contact me here fisher.j.michael@foxmail.com

Awaiting your timely response with the above stated details.

Regards,

Michael J. Fisher
gridlore: Doug looking off camera with a grin (Me - CAR -15)
I've been getting a ton of email from camera whores. Today, I snapped and replied.

OK, who the fuck are you? If you offer me dirty pictures, I swear by the howling dark gods of my fathers I will track you down and pour Drano down your throat. I will rip your entrails out and set them on fire before I let you die. I will ravage your family unto the ends of the Earth.

So, what's up?


Be interesting to see if I get a reply...
gridlore: Doug looking off camera with a grin (Bucky Says No)
Best spam I've gotten in a while

Read more... )

Best part was they included a picture of a FedEx envelope.
gridlore: Doug looking off camera with a grin (Bucky Says No)
I can't decide if it's an anime plot or a really good Traveller game...

Dear Sir/Madam,

lam 24years old girl and single, it may interest you to know that lam a girl of PEACE and l don't want problem,l only hope you can assist me. lt is my greatest pleasure to write you, how is your family,hope fine?lf so doxology. .

My name is Princess Egio Begki Kabbah daughter of the late Engr.Osman Kabbah former director-general of the government of gold and diamond office [GDDO] in freetown, my late father replaced the Lebanese business tycoon, Mr Jamil Mohamed Saheed who was sacked by the government of President Ahmed Tejan Kabbah. Unfortunately, my father was attacked by rebels of the Revolutionary United Front (RUF) in Kono, Eastern Sierra Leone. .

He survived the bullet wounds and was hospitalised at the Connaught Hospital in Freetown where he later died of internal bleeding,but before he died he revealed to my late mother and me, he had deposited $10.5m in BANK OF AFRICA(BOA).Being the only one left, l have decided to transfer the fund out of Burkina Faso to a trust worthy beneficiary who will assit me to invest the money and see me through my education .

l need your help to invest this family inheritance into a profitable investment in your country .l have decided to part away %30 as your commission. Due to my present condition now in Ouagadougou Burkina Faso which is a terrible ordeal, l demand an urgent responds. Please confirm your interest, l will send you the deposit slip and my pictures

May God bless you,and hope to be your friend.

Yours faithful,
Princess Egio Begki Kabbah.

gridlore: Doug looking off camera with a grin (Penguin - Typing)
One of the things I love about Gmail is the excellent spam filter. I rarely see actual spam, and just review the spam box every few days to make sure nothing important has gotten stuck there. Today I found a message purportedly from the FBI. No attachments, so I opened it.

It's a classic )

Forwarded to the real FBI. I may drop a note to the Rev. Larry Smith letting him know he's an idiot.
gridlore: Doug looking off camera with a grin (Bosch)
Just got this email.

If you are interest in malware, bots and botnets then read on! BFBOT is the best bot you can buy for price sub 1000 EUR. It has stability, performance and reliability no other bot can provide. It is enough secure that you will never have to worry about skiddies stealing your bots. The spreading rate is the best out of any bot you can buy, and can reach 10.000 or more newly infected PCs per day if you combine it with browsers exploit pack. The protocol is very reliable and proved to be much better choice than standard IRC. Besides minimum bandwidth needed to run the botnet, it also greatly reduces server side resources compared to IRC protocol. Therefore BFBOT server can hold around 4-5 times more bots! That is not all - you can configure server to give different commands to bots and command bots from certain country only. And when your botnet grows to 20.000 and more, polymorphism of the bot will take care it stays undetected!

Join the small community of happy BFBOT customers that are enjoying their big botnets gained by BFBOT and buy BFBOT today, because there are only 5 packages left! Website for more info: http://bfsecurity.net

BFBOT developer
iserdo


Wow. I'm half expecting the local tamale lady to come by tomorrow calling out "Tamales! Crack! Fake immigration papers! Stolen handguns!" It would only be slightly less subtle.
gridlore: Doug looking off camera with a grin (Me - Anime)
In today's spam pile:

Subject: in hong or concoct , idolatry ! louvre be buzzing

After cheap drugs spam: it dakota it hymen the colloq in hunt the paradigmatic

*snaps fingers*
gridlore: Doug looking off camera with a grin (Penguin - Release the Penguins)
Good Day
assalamu-alaikum,

I humbly introduce myself to you; I am Captain Aziz Hassan of Lebanon.I am contacting you based on trust and humanity for the Transfer of fund,totalling 20.5 million U.S Dollars, Which I have escaped with from my country which is presently in a religious sectorial war.These funds were deposited in a Diplomatic Condominium in Spain by some professionals. I am currently admitted in a private hospital in the kingdom of Saudi Arabia.

On your response to assist me receive this money outside my Country (region), signals will be sent to the company in custody of the funds and the professionals involved. Do not worry all necessary information to enable you receive the funds will be intact. With your effort and help, you shall be entitle to 20%of the total Amount and 5% will be mapped out for any expenses incurred in this Transaction.

I shall forward to you all the details required on the receipt of your willinginess reply to carry on this transaction with me I look forward to your prompt favorable response.

Thanks for your understanding

Yours Respectfully,
Capt Aziz Hassan

NOTE; I AM NOT AN ISLAMIC EXTREMIST, I AM MODEST.


It's that last line.
gridlore: Doug looking off camera with a grin (Penguin - Carpe)
Or should I say there appears to be a dire shortage of GURPS Traveller: Ground Forces and At Close Quarters in Iraq? Or maybe they just need my legendary truck handling skills!

Strictly For The Attention Of: President/ceo.

Dear Sir,

RE-CONSTRUCTION OF IRAQ - VARIOUS SUPPLIES...

My name is Mohammed Abdull, and this is an urgent contract.We have recieved an allocation for a contract to supply your Product through our Project Contracting Office (PCO) some MultiMillion Dollars worth of international supplies to Iraq.

Construction projects include the building and renovation of power and water systems, schools and hospitals, oil infrastructure, Iraq's fire police and military services and the modernization of communications systems, roads and airports.

Non-construction activities include equipment supplies and training in all sectors.

My benefactor in this project is a high level Iraqi Government official who has mandated me to seek for your confidential cooperation and participation in this contract.If your company is capable of supplying or help to re-construct iraq, You would be paid cash before you supply.

If you can assist us,then kindly contact me immediately,and make sure to furnish me with your full COMPANY PROFILE, FULL NAMES, DIRECT TELEPHONE AND FAX NUMBERS AND INCLUDE YOUR DIRECT EMAIL ADDRESS.

As soon as we recieve your response, we shall get back to you with all details to commence.

Thank you,
Mohammed Abdull.

Mohatex Trade Ltd,
Office: Magazachi Building,
89 Arasat Al Hindiya
Baghdad - Iraq.

Mohatex Trade Ltd,Iraq Project and Contracting Office(PCO)BAGHDAD IRAQ

Wassalam !!


Wassalam? Is that some Arabic version of Whassup?

I'm almost tempted to send him the profile for Gridlore Technologies.
gridlore: Doug looking off camera with a grin (Me - South Park)
From a spam I just got:

All our genuine swiss watches will contain the following~

-Replicated to the smallest detail
-98% A+ Accuracy
-Includes all Proper Markings
-Wide selection and fast worldwide shipping
-Authentic Weight
-True-to-original self winding and quartz mechanisms


Yup. Genuine replicas.
gridlore: Doug looking off camera with a grin (Ka-boom)
Spam of the week: Angry the Grenade

Sounds like a kids show produced by al-Qaeda.
gridlore: Doug looking off camera with a grin (Penguins - Pyschotic)
"Re: Go play as flop gentry"

Profile

gridlore: Doug looking off camera with a grin (Default)
gridlore

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